The Story of My Life.

November 3, 2019

I don’t want to believe

You would still hurt me

Like you do. Like you did this morning.

We just can’t seem to get through

To one another–we need each other. Now.

More than ever. Now. We need

Each other’s loving arms wrapped around;

Holding each other up–not

Tearing each other down.

Not-when-there-are-dark-forces-all-around-us-that-would-pull-us-apart-just-to-spit-in-our-faces-while-they-are-dragging-us-to-hell-laughing-at-our-folly.

Is this really what you want?

Is this how you really want to continue?

I can’t stop you from becoming angry with me. I can’t

Stop you from doing anything. I don’t always

Agree with the things you do.

And I AM SCARED.

I’m scared of what you might do to me…physically or emotionally–hurt

Is hurt. You know it. I know it.

I do hope one day you learn to

Control your own anger. Not

With drugs, alcohol or sex; with

Patience and compassion.

Is this me ‘telling you what to do?’

As you said to me this morning: “deal with it”.

I’m telling myself as well…

I hope you are

Smiling right now–because I

Don’t say this out of spite as much as sadness…and

Hope. (Maybe there is still some spite mixed in with the sadness; but

there is always more hope :))

And I don’t say this lightly…I wish you one day find the peace you are looking

For. And may you attract a stronger woman than myself. I give up.

I can’t help you heal your broken-heart–if

You won’t let me in.

What ever happens now

I won’t soon forget you.

In this life

Or the next.

Your once loving

Always loving

Best friend

The one you laugh with, live for–

Dream with.

Do you remember the time?

I couldn’t wait to be with you again.

We rushed in headlong

Not looking where the road may lead. Ok.

We did what we did. Not

Easy to swallow when the

Medicine burns.

Forgiving ourselves is more

Difficult than forgiving

One another. No?

Once, long ago I asked you if

You would marry me. Now

I’m asking you if

You will divorce me.

I don’t ask this lightly

And I’m not asking out of hate.

(I know you feel the same)

“I love you…I can’t take anymore.”

Inside–I’ll be ok.

I’ve met good kind people who

Encourage me to keep going—

Keep healing and keep sharing

My poetry and my art. For this,

I am grateful.

I know there will be other difficulties

Getting back on my own two feet again; and

I sure would appreciate your help.

And please–before you get

Involved with someone else. Ok?

I just don’t want to make the same mistakes again…

Yes, when you met me I was

Incredibly naive about taxes and

Everything else adult.

You know this.

And you knew I

Carried heavy baggage.

Too young. Too pretty. Too proud.

Too easily seduced.

Now, I’m too old. And

Not so pretty anymore.

Still proud.

But not so easily seduced either.

I have you to thank for this.

If you have read this far. I appreciate your time and the time

We did share together. Laughing. Dreaming…

Short though our time together was; I could write a million more words.

I’ll stop here instead.

As always,

With love and gratitude,

NZain.

Author: NZain

@ukiezhinka

40 thoughts on “The Story of My Life.”

  2. Oh Nina. Do you remember, you once wrote in a comment to something I’d written that you would sit on the porch under the wisteria, quietly, no words, just two friends, sharing an understanding of… life, pain, dreams, fears.

    This is what I want to do now. Sit with you, and for you to know that I heard you, and that I will listen to anything else you want to say or be ok if you are silent. All this from our friendship in this blogosphere.

    This was so beautifully written, but also heart wrenching. I hope you are ok my dear friend 💓💓💓

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

    1. Dearest Rachel. Your kind heartfelt words are both music and medicine to me. Thank you for sitting with me…under the wisteria…Your friendship here in the blogosphere—right from the beginning—is so precious and I will always cherish your words. Just two friends.
      As for me—I am healing. I am ok. Both he and I are healing. It’s not easy—but it’s worth the effort and the fight. I’m glad you found this piece heart wrenching and beautiful. So did my husband. We have some work to do. And I’m looking forward to the next post…the story continues….
      PS. You are not too much, sweet friend. You are just right💘💘💘

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      1. Your strength radiates through you and everything you write dear friend. I know you will heal, but what a journey it is. You inspire me every time I read your words, and I don’t think you know how much.

        Thank you, for saying that about me being just right, that means the world 🌺🌸💓

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  4. I’ve missed you!! Such a raw and honest read. No veneers, but an opened heart knitting waves of truth and pushing splash after splash in each sentence. 🙂

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    1. Aww—how nice to be missed. 🥰. And yet, it’s like no time has passed.
      “knitting waves of truth…” what a beautiful image you’ve given me, Watt. Thank you for the inspiration.

      Liked by 1 person

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    1. Thank you so much for saying so, Warren. You write so beautifully about love— I often think when I read your posts—just how blessed the recipient (and inspiration) of your words is.

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  6. These are such powerful, moving, heartfelt words Nina, really chokes me up every time I read them. There is hope in those words, hope for better things, better days ahead, sunshine, warmth, courage, strength. Whatever your path you won’t be alone, there is One who will be with you always, and I’m sure you have many friends that will gladly be there to help you through rough spots. Plus friends here as well. You have been a great, wonderful, inspiration and help to me, even when you hit me on the head to try and get my attention. Carry on Nina. Keep writing, keep on with your music, videos, strength, help, hope. I wish I could say what I want to, but nothing seems to come out right. That’s me. Have a wonderful day Nina and I pray the road ahead will have plenty of sunshine, green grass and trees!😁😸🌞🌲🌲

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    1. That these words inspired your words deeply humbles me, Steve. “nothing seems to come right…” I understand.

      And I’m giggling at the image you’ve given me here:

      “Hey, Bonehead!”

      WHACK!

      “OUCH!” (now why she’d go and hit me like that!)

      But she just smiled and ran away…

      So when I first met my husband, he was a personal fitness trainer (not mine). When I would come into the gym—I would walk past him and punch him in the arm. Just a little ‘love tap’. Silly me.

      Yes, there is hope in these words. Always there is hope—because as you say—“there is One…always.” I know the journey won’t be easy…that’s ok. I know I am never alone…and I’ve got two feet! Ha! And as long as he and I can work together so we can play together…that’s all I ask. Marriage/commitment is worth it.

      You, Steve are a great source of inspiration and strength to me—a calm within the storm. I appreciate all of our conversations here…ah shoots…nothing seems to come out right. 🙃

      Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kind words and support—and all your smiles. Humor heals.

      And I won’t soon forget you either, my dear friend. You or Muffin!
      😊🙈💓🧸💘⛄️💗🧚‍♂️🙃

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  8. I hope all is well with you. This is such a reminder that in love there are ebbs and flows ; imperfection and pain as well as closeness and joy. Love is a paradox. I’m not sure how your story ends but I do wish for you the very best.

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    1. Cindy, thank you so much for your kind words and well wishes. Gosh—I had no idea the impact these words would have—and the very wise words you’ve added here warm my heart. Love is a paradox indeed! A wonderful paradox.

      As for me…this story does have an ending and endings are just beginnings. I am in a good place. No divorce. Not today. Today is a new day to learn and grow.

      The long lasting effects of the emotional abuse I experienced affected—everything. I read books and scientific papers that very matter of factly describe what I went through and how it’s affected my own relationships…I have a lot of relearning to do. But it’s ok. And my husband is also on board. He is beginning to understand the effects as well now. Now the healing can begin.

      Again, thank you for reading and for reaching out in kindness and concern. The blogging community here is awesome and I am humbled and grateful by the experience. Big hugs to you! 🤗💓🤗

      Liked by 1 person

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      1. Thank you for the warm reply! I was concerned for you:) But there is such truth in your words…Endings are beginnings. I have found the same thing with my own husband and not just that but in so many areas of life. I think it speaks to resiliency. It is a beautiful and hopeful thing to come to the END of something and have nothing left and find it is just the BEGINNING of something much better. I have deeply enjoyed reading about your own journey and how you have risen up. You are resilient! Yes, the blogging community is amazing. Wishing you well!

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      2. I get so easily choked up reading the supportive comments here…so much gratitude and humbleness. Thank you, Cindy. I truly appreciate your kindness and encouragement. YOU are amazing!! :)).

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Thank you, Nina:) I can’t tell you how much courage you give me. You just inspired my last blog, sorry I totally stole ‘Endings are Beginnings’, in it LOL!

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    1. This is very kind of you to say, Lance. Thank you. 🙏🏻
      This year on WP has been such a blessing in so many ways—beyond any of my expectations. Awesome technology connecting us to one another—even as dark forces would tear us apart.
      As always, Lance I sincerely appreciate your kind words of encouragement and support of my writing, and your kindness towards all of your supporters.

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      1. Being a poet is more than just writing, it’s about sharing your work, reading other writers work, and supporting their efforts. I’m so very glad that it has been a blessing for you, Nina. I wish you the absolute best in the coming years.

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      2. And I you, Lance! Yes, sharing my poems is the tricky part. Does anyone really want to read any of this? But at least now after almost a year—I don’t get sick when I hit the publish button anymore! That’s an improvement. And I have received wonderful support and feedback from you and other writers whom I respect. That keeps me going.
        I’m going to keep these words in mind while I write today—“more than just writing…”

        Liked by 1 person

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