Loving You Goodbye…

April 1, 2021

Loving You Goodbye

Loving you with no expectations of

Rewards in the future or

Love returned; just love for the sake of love

Because loving you this way feels right—

I am changed. Forever.

And this feels good…

No longer compelled by fear of losing you; the gift of love is simply that. A gift.

And I give freely to you, my love, for the many years we traveled together through hardships and misunderstandings, joyous discoveries and precious moments sipping coffee together in the early morning hours. Precious time. Not lost. Not forsaken.

You and I

Two beasts

Searching for beauty

Searching for true love

To save us from ourselves; we wanted

To be loved…and

Only now, are we truly learning how to love.

I am not ashamed to say,

“I am not finished loving you, my friend.”

This love I have for you goes deeper than the darkest hell we survived when we made each other look deep within our own selves to find our true selves amongst the debris of broken vows and angry words so carelessly tossed about like rotten old garbage. We were there all along…just waiting to be rediscovered in the hush of morning twilight when the sun, just about to rise, gives new hope to all the world. We were there.

This journey we chose from the beginning to walk together is coming to an end. Soon, we will choose to say goodbye. But until that final day, I make you this new vow, my husband: to cherish us completely and nourish all that is within our souls.

With love,

Nzain🌷

Because of You, am I Set Free…

March 29, 2021

Because of you, am I set free…

How many lifetimes together we

Walked this dark path

Revealing to no other but

Our selves

Our darkest selves—

God only knows.

And when trapped in the prison of ignorance unable

To love, as lovers do for fear—now

In the light of this truth—I love you freely, my friend…

As I never could love you before. I cherish you completely

For now do I understand the meaning of true love in the

Wholeness of suffering and joy.

In order to finally find you;

I first had to lose you.

I am honored to know you

All your best; all your worst.

For who can really love one so intimately or so intensely

Without also loving the harsh reality that is this shared human condition?

And this harsh reality we survived for the benefit of all—

I am not ashamed to show the world healing is possible.

Love so confounding we think we know it when we feel it

And then it transforms into something we no longer recognize but instead fear.

It’s easy to fall in love and terrifying to fall out; expecting love to behave in a way that makes sense. But love is irrational and every poet knows this…

In humble gratitude,

NZain🌷

Breaking Down on High Street. Chapter 9

March 21, 2021

Continued from Abused No More on High Street Chapter 8

When I read stories on the internet about abusive relationships, it is so often, “he said-she said”.

The victim is the victim and the abuser condemned. In the real world however, it may not be so simple. Victim and abuser are both human beings. Within each human is the potential for both good and evil. And within each is the hope of salvation.

1 John 1:8 “If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.”

The first time was in high school. A life-saver candy hurled at the wall of the girl’s restroom. Shattered into tiny pieces, the release was for me—cathartic…and dangerous. Like kids today who cut themselves to release a build up of pressure—I had found an unhealthy (yet seemingly so innocent) outlet for my deepest frustrations.

Fast forward ten years. I regrettably (deep regrets) hurled something not so innocent and not belonging to me; something precious of my husband’s. It shattered into tiny pieces, but this time the release was not cathartic. I felt the hook of a bizarre addictive behavior triggered by our fighting that would last for too long.

A pattern continued sporadically, and yes, always his things. A terrible symptom of something I could not yet understand, I suffered. And so did the man I loved. I was out of my mind and inside desperately wanted someone else to stop me, to hold me; perhaps pin me down until the feelings of impending doom that raced through my body subsided. I felt as if my own being would break and shatter into tiny pieces.

At the time, I did not yet understand complex PTSD or the devastation I would cause. At the time, mental health was not so openly spoken about. I quietly kept my inner turmoil to myself just under the surface so as not to upset the illusion of peace. Quietly that is until the two of us would clumsily fumble through our own inability to communicate like healthy adults—and the tantrums would begin once again.

As I write about this now, under the current circumstances, I can’t help but look back and shake my head as if waking from a ridiculously long nightmare. How does it happen that two people who love one another (and get along well most of the time) could act out so destructively? As if possessed by demons. What strange mix of karmic afflictions and family heredity working out through the minds and bodies of two people who came together to have and to hold to care for one another in sickness and health…it takes two. Always.

Since then, instead of throwing and breaking things, I discovered a much better way to release some of my pent up stress.

I throw knives.

–NZain

I write about these things because it is a fact. For too many years I stayed quiet with the horrible feelings eating away at my insides and most importantly, my marriage. Pretending to be happy is no way to live life. And life is short.

What Do You Hold In The Palm Of Your Hand?

March 20, 2021

Happy Spring! Happy new beginning!

With love and gratitude,

Nina 🌷

March 20: Spring Equinox in Aries (Fall in the southern hemisphere) is Saturday, March 20 at 3:37 AM Mountain Daylight Time (MDT). Use this equinox as a time of initiation of a new self, a new expression and a experience…

https://thepowerpath.com/monthly-forecast/march-monthly-forecast/

Coming Down on High Street Chapter 7

March 18, 2021

Continued from Lullaby for Jessica Chapter 6

When the entire reality finally settled, Jessica understood–she created all of it. Peace descended upon her like a waterfall; she was made clean again. And in those dark hours when she wished not to wake because the thought of a new day was just too much to bare–she understood. Her life would end, but not in despair. Her life would take a new form, a metamorphosis, and this time, she would not let her soul down. She would rise from suffering holding comfort in her hands, returning to the people who were most in need. And there are so many in need. She would not stop until her final breath released her from this earthly prison she had so grown to love…

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort who comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

With love and gratitude,

NZain💓

Healing Old Trauma…on High Street

March 13, 2021

Hi there! After receiving several acupuncture treatments for an old eye injury…

…feeling pretty good.

Ready to see what’s around the next bend. I am ever grateful for this WP community and all the kindness shown here. Words have a powerful affect to both create and destroy. (Ooh–kinda choked up there!). I’ll leave it at that and just say thank you friends for continuing to create! Wishing you all a peaceful weekend.

With love and gratitude,

Nina😍