A Side of Me.

February 24, 2021

Yesterday, I had an epiphany. I saw a side of me I didn’t care to see.

And what the thing showed me…I wonder now:

Is it easy to love a woman with addictions; or one who is self-deprecating? And…

…of the two—is there hope?


How to begin again? Where to begin? How does one be themself if one does not know themself? How does one become something other than what one is?

How does a caterpillar become a butterfly?

Only the caterpillars know…

…and God.


I looked again at the behavior and how the pattern was formed…released the stress from my body the best way I knew how…and learned a little something new about my self.

Today is a different day. Today I saw a side of me I like. Today, I am more myself.

The strange thing about childhood emotional abuse is that even long after the abuser is gone, the abusive behavior may still manifest itself as self-abuse. This is dumb. This is no way to live. Ever. Stop it. Now.

Transforming self-abusive behavior into self-caring behavior is a process. Yep. Just like the caterpillar becoming a butterfly. God knows.

–NZain 😊

Thank you for reading. Hope your day is pleasant.

Still Working on Chapter 2…

February 21, 2021

Hi from Lockdown Mountain!

Prayers and warm hugs to all our loved ones around the world. 💓

Extra-warm-ice-melting hugs to our loved ones in Texas.

Hoping power is worked out; warmer days coming soon…🙏🏻

Still working on my crochet shrug.

Still tying up loose ends on chapter 2 of A New Story Begins Again

Looking back on our history…

Trying to figure how the future plays out in the life of “Jessica”.

If you were told you had, “less than a year to live”…

…(fill in the blank)?

Thank you for all the kind support and thought provoking dialogue.

This is how we make the world a kinder place–I’m convinced of it.

Wishing you all a pleasant Sunday!

With love from the cottage in the woods. 😊


A New Story Begins Again

February 11, 2021

This is the beginning of a new story.

Jessica sat quietly, hands folded in her lap; the words of Doctor Thomas still ringing in her ears.

“So, Doctor Thomas when you say, ‘less than a year’ you mean eleven months and thirty days, right?”

Doctor Thomas, a kindhearted compassionate man nearing retirement, sensed in Jessica a certain strength which demanded not only his complete integrity, but also his honesty. He removed his spectacles, pinched the bridge of his nose and then leaning back in his chair so as to better take in the whole picture, replied sincerely, “Jessica, none of us knows for certain what the future holds or the day on which we are called home. As your physician I recommend you make the best of this time and get your affairs in order.”

“Oh Doctor Thomas forgive me, but when you say ‘affairs’ I think ‘love’ and I’m not even sure I know what ‘love’ means!” Wiping back a tear Jessica ventured to ask, “Doctor Thomas, as my physician, in your view, do you think there is a difference between ‘making love’ and ‘having sex’? I mean, let’s be honest, without sex, none of this would exist and you and I wouldn’t be here having this conversation right now: so no disrespect. But I wonder, because I’ve spent—or maybe ‘wasted’ is a better word—my whole life searching for love, when I think it’s only sex I’ve ever found…and if this is to be the last year of my life, then I sure would like to discover what it means to ‘make love’.”

What thoughts must have gone though the good Doctor’s mind; but he listened intently, having had the same question over the years, intuitively knowing that all people want to be loved, but many are confused how to ‘make love’ and instead just settle for ‘having sex.’

“Yes. In my view I do think there is a difference, Jessica. ‘Making love’ is a conscious choice,” and then after thoughtful pause, “one we make with ourselves first; then eventually with the whole world.”

“You mean, like when Jesus said to ‘love thy neighbor as thyself’?”

“Yes. Making love begins with an attitude; how deeply we care for and respect ourselves—“

“—and how deeply we care for and respect others.” Added Jessica.

“Ultimately the whole world.” Doctor Thomas then asked, “ Jessica, now that you’ve opened up the conversation, let me ask: what do you think about society’s view of sex today—especially in light of all we’ve seen in recent years with the MeToo movement?”

“Well I wonder if, as a society, we haven’t lost sight of…” Jessica paused for a moment to carefully consider her words,”…if we’ve ever learned how to truly respect and care for ourselves. As you say, ‘making love is a conscious choice’ but that implies responsibility and well, to be honest—sex happens!”

She shook her head and laughed back another tear, “but I think what you are saying, Doctor Thomas is: before you can make love with another, you have to first be able to love yourself and that means accepting all of you—good and bad parts equally so you can also accept another, but this takes courage and vulnerability and a desire to be with another– exposing your own authentic naked self and surrendering together to something bigger than both of you because well, love is a powerful source and—” her voice trailed off and then with a deep breath, “no wonder as a society we settle instead for just ‘having sex’: it’s easier.”

“But with a higher price to pay in the end.” Responded Doctor Thomas.

“What do you mean?”

“Consider children born to parents who make love—“

“–versus those who just have sex?” Jessica interjected, “I think I’m beginning to understand the difference now.”

“Good! Make the best of this time, Jessica. Don’t hesitate to call if…”

As Jessica turned to leave the doctor’s office, her hand on the front door, the words of Doctor Thomas still ringing in her ears; “making love is a conscious choice” she paused for a moment and said quietly to herself, “Well Jess this is it, the first day of the rest of your life. How are you going to live it?”

To be continued…

–©NZain 💓

Thank you for reading. Your comments are always welcome and appreciated.

When I Struggle…

February 2, 2021

When I struggle with just–

The right words to say;

I drop my pen

Pick up my hook…and

I crochet.

Each stitch allowing my mind

To wander in wonder and ponder…

The imagination; Divine sensation. Artistic Expression Needs. No. Compensation.

And sooner or later…

…the words find their own way.

–Nina Zain 😊

Copyright ©2021

“Not My Buddha!”

January 27, 2021

Inspired by a conversation with my dear brother-in-law who is a practicing Buddhist.

“Buddha does not always appear as a Buddha. Sometimes He appears as an incarnation of evil, sometimes as a woman, a god, a king, or a statesman; sometimes He appears in a brothel or a gambling house…for those who are entangled in the web of worldly pleasures, He reveals the misery of the world.” (The Teachings of Buddha p. 34)

Buddha appeared in the world;

Disguised His Buddha nature

So only those who understood

His teachings–

Recognized Him as their own Self.

But those who shouted, “Not my Buddha! Not one of us!”

Failed to see the truth; revealed to the world–

Their own ignorance.

“People grasp at things for their own imagined convenience and comfort; they grasp at wealth and treasure and honors; they cling desperately to mortal life. They make arbitrary distinctions between existence and non-existence, good and bad, right and wrong…because of this, they must assume the illusions of pain and suffering.” (p. 53)


Waking up is simple.

Nothing special.

Anyone can

Accept life (and death)

As it is.

Joy and sorrow

Suffering and elation.

You and I are here now.

This is reality. Like

A passing dream.


Waking up and looking into one’s own dark heart is the real challenge.

Maybe (if you are

Like me) you

Realize how your past

Actions and choices have

Caused more suffering for

Yourself and others. Your

Desires got the best of you and now

You wake up to the realization

Your life is filled

With shame.


Even more devastating perhaps,

The realization that within all the people

You don’t particularly like is this same



You forget compassion.

You felt anger

Jealousy or even

Hatred towards

Them and


You are awake (just enough) to see that in the darkness of ignorance

God’s light shines through the cracks of your own broken-hearted

Buddha-nature. It’s enough to make you recoil in horror. It’s ok.

“Buddha-nature exists in everyone no matter how deeply it may be covered up over by greed, anger, and foolishness, or buried by his own deeds and retribution. Buddha-nature can not be lost or destroyed, and when all defilements are removed, sooner or later it will appear.” (p. 78)



The Teachings Buddha

Copyright © 1966 Bukkyo Dendo Kyokai, Tokyo. Quoted with permission.