Unpacking My Self

October 24, 2020

Even now, as an adult, every day I still wake up,

Nervous system conditioned—ready for the crisis. Or

Even worse—the calm.

“Yay! Mommy is all better today!” Was

Not

The

Safe

Response for this emotionally abused child.

I hope you don’t understand. And yet–

I know some of you do understand.

You’ve been there…

Years of conditioning

Training the child

To be on guard

At

All

Times–

Wears the nervous system down.

And so here I am.

You see, if another makes the same mistake—it is easily forgiven. However,

I was trained in a peculiar sort of way and slowly, over time,

My system let me know:

I could no longer add unnecessary stress to my system by pretending to be happy.

If I could not find a way to retrain my nervous system—my system would fail.

So here I am

Unpacking my self

To the very core…

–NZain💓

Thank you for reading.

Author: NZain

Finding my way forward...

19 thoughts on “Unpacking My Self”

    1. Good morning, Steve and thank you for your thoughts. We each have our experiences that makes us unique…as you say—goes deep. I’m grateful to have been able to share mine here on WP. 😊🖐😺

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  1. Sometimes I wake up super anxious. My first thoughts are usually study-related and I always feel like I’m running out of time. Today was one of them-I woke up with my heart beating out my chest and my stomach in twists when there was zilch to worry about. I’m sowwy you’ve to go through this :c

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ahh sweet Nour…no need to be sowwy (but I do appreciate it) I’m exactly where I belong at this moment in time and what this blog is all about! Glad to see you here💓

      Did you happen to see the moon this morning? Or Venus? I’m looking at Venus right now out the front window. So beautiful!

      I’m Sowwy you woke up anxious today. Stomach in twists and beating heart is no fun at all! Do you have a way to calm yourself or talk yourself out of it? 🤔

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      1. Aw I’m glad for that!

        Nope! I actually haven’t gone out at all today. Maybe I’ll go to our roof tonight. A few weeks ago I saw Jupiter and a very red moon. I love gazing out and looking at these wonders.

        Hmmmmm. I mean, it depends on the intensity. Today I knew it’ll fade little by little over a period of time. When it’s too much, I just repeat that it’ll be okay until I calm down. Music helps. The Quran does too (if I’m scared and can’t sleep for example). Breakdowns help 😂😂 What about you?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thanks! 🥰

        Moon is full and bright. Jupiter, Saturn, Mars all out too! I also love seeing all the wonders too. Comforting.

        Sounds like you have quite a tool-kit to help you. That’s great. Breakdowns? You mean like a right good cry or something? Scream into a pillow?

        Me? Same. Music definitely helps. I clean the house. Scream into a pillow…🤪

        How is school? Learning lots?

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  2. *Sigh*, I have complex PTSD, seems you do too. Totally relate to not wishing ppl understood in the sense that you wouldn’t want others to go through it. Years of heightened stress change your nervous system, being mindful helps somewhat with the conditioning. Unpacking is so important in taking out the toxic aspects, clearing the wound from tat which makes it fester and rott. That’s how we heal right? by clearing the poison. I also believe the first step to heal is to feel and be real with that feeling, to identify the issue. For me learning what I like and don’t like was super important, and i had to do so, by unpacking that conditioning and seeing what felt ok and what did not, as opposed to acting the way i was conditioned to act. I feel like the darkness gave me wisdom and greater empathy, but i also feel removed from most of society like an outsider looking in. I’m still super jumpy as well, but so much better now. I think for me this will be a lifelong journey but i guess balance and growth aren’t stationary for anyone? To balance we need to keep adjusting and to grow we must keep changing. so i guess baby steps? it’s the journey after all… ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. “I also believe the first step to heal is to feel and be real with that feeling, to identify the issue.”

      Yes!! I totally agree. Being authentic. It’s difficult and takes courage. But it’s absolutely necessary.
      I hear you—feeling like an outsider looking in. And people are looking at you and seeing what they want to see…
      No, balance is not static. You must be active and engaged making adjustments even if very subtle—it is a life long journey (so I’m told 😉 some days baby steps other days giant leaps? No matter what—trust. Always trust.

      Yep. Complex PTSD sums it up. And now that we know—we aren’t just crazy—we can heal. We can retrain our nervous systems…we can heal.
      Big love and hugs to you, dear angel. 🤗😇💓
      Thank you for being here.

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