Unpacking My Self

October 24, 2020

Even now, as an adult, every day I still wake up,

Nervous system conditioned—ready for the crisis. Or

Even worse—the calm.

“Yay! Mommy is all better today!” Was




Response for this emotionally abused child.

I hope you don’t understand. And yet–

I know some of you do understand.

You’ve been there…

Years of conditioning

Training the child

To be on guard




Wears the nervous system down.

And so here I am.

You see, if another makes the same mistake—it is easily forgiven. However,

I was trained in a peculiar sort of way and slowly, over time,

My system let me know:

I could no longer add unnecessary stress to my system by pretending to be happy.

If I could not find a way to retrain my nervous system—my system would fail.

So here I am

Unpacking my self

To the very core…


Thank you for reading.

Muffin’s Mystery Blogger Award 😺

Hi there! I’ve been nominated by Muffin over at Steve’s Country for this award–which is pretty neat because Muffin is a cat! And let me tell you–she has a mind of her own. 😺

Muffin’s human, Steve is a dear friend to me and many bloggers around the world, sharing his beautiful daily pictures and check out his murder mystery series where Muffin and her boyfriend–ahem my Mr. Cat–are featured!

Thank you Steve and Muffin for your continued dedication to the blogging world. It is definitely a brighter place with you here! And I am honored by you both.

Here are the RULES …RULES???😬

• Put the award logo on your blog–ok well that was a mystery in itself…
• Thank the blogger who nominated you and provide a link to their blog–thanks for thinking of me!
• Mention the creator of the award. The creator of this award is..Okoto Enigma–also a mystery
• Answer the five questions you were asked–is this a test?
• Tell the readers three things about yourself–oh gosh
• Nominate ten to twenty bloggers–again a mystery
• Notify the bloggers that you nominated them by commenting on one of their posts
• Ask your nominees five questions with one weird or funny one
• Share a link to your best posts–

A favorite post: Grandmother Story Teller

1. Do you have, or would you like to have, a pet?

I am the keeper of Mr. Cat and a little rescue dog who likes to keep her private life a mystery.

2. Do you like to cook?

I love to cook….especially over an open fire.

3. Do you know more than one language fluently?

Me speaking Ukrainian

No, but I know a little bit of a lot of languages.

4. Have you been to any other countries besides your own?


Yes. It’s a great big beautiful world with so many places yet to visit! I could write a entire blog just about my travels and all the beautiful people I have encountered…

5. Would you like to live on the moon?

Almost total eclipse of the moon

Oh goodness no. A weekend holiday perhaps would be fun–just to see earth from above. Floating in no gravity would be neat. I like earth. No place like home.

Three things about me…

I am going to take some time in the next couple of weeks to review and recalibrate my blog; decide what direction I will go next and hopefully return with a clearer vision of my future.

Blogging here for me has been a wonderful experience. I did not intend for this blog to become so personal–and yet I find I’ve made deeper connections here than “out there” in the…what’s the word? Real world.

I feel blessed in so many ways–and I have you, my blogging friends to thank. Thank you. All of the encouragement, kind words and supportive feedback makes this platform so special.

One more thing…

I sometimes like to balance on rocks.🙃

So that’s for me! Thanks Muffin and Steve! Mr. Cat says 🖐

If you’ve enjoyed the content of this blog and want to see more…give us a 👍 in the comments section and please keep me in your thoughts.

–Nina Zain💓



This is difficult for me to say:

So please

Just bare

With me.

I’m not looking for a fight, and

I don’t want you to


I’m attacking you.

I’m not…

I need space.

Time alone.

Not from you—but from myself.

Most of the time I feel content.

Safe. Happy.

(Sometimes—I can’t explain it–

maybe hormones, maybe

years of abuse

working it’s way out?)


I need to be alone.

I’ll actually feel physically sick—

You don’t

want to

see it.

Trust me.

The energy builds

And wipes me out.

I have

to close

my eyes

and rest…

Rest until

the feeling

settles down.


I may cry just a little.

Maybe it’s normal?

I always feel better afterward and happy again.


Please forgive my errors. I am still learning. And practicing.

Song For My Unborn Child

пані америка

Ukie жінка

вродлива лековажна жінка

жалюгідна жінка

меленький метелик

моя душа українська страждає.

тане… я не розумію чому ми воюємо.

вони взяли з ферма діда. вони спалили дім бабусі. вона плаче…

однак я не ненавиджу вас.

я твоя сестра!

ти пам’ятаєш наша червона кров наше походження змішалися разом завтовшки?

що шкодує!

може вода очистити нашу ганбу. і я можу назвіть вас моїм братом наново.

ом мур мур вічний мур.

And From Your Ashes I Arise Ch 6

“…it crosses a line into verbal-abuse and abuse left unnoticed goes untreated…”



I hope


don’t mind

me saying this:

But lately,

I’ve been


On what is it


I find so

charming about you.

Just thinking about it makes me smile.

I like sharing time with you!

And it doesn’t matter we don’t see

each other for weeks






(I’m glad to know you miss us too

and we are also in your thoughts…)

So what it is then?


Believe me

when I say

I’ve put some time into this riddle.

Ok. Here goes:

Nowhere have I found a place (until now)

where I can be so vulnerable—and still feel so at ease.


I said it.

Nothing like a good vent between friends, eh?

Are you blushing?

You can always make me laugh..

…and I always feel better.

You laugh at my jokes—

and don’t take offense.

You never take sides.










Seen without you.

Of course

my worst







or not

Hurt you—

That would break me.

I pray, Lord keep you safe always.



“…you two had a grand-falling-out I heard. You ok?”

“Yeah. Thanks for asking. I’m ok. Laughing about it now…

The only thing bigger than that man’s mouth is his you-know-what! HA!

But lately, it seemed something was wrong—

I didn’t know it’s been wrong-every-time-he’s-seen-me.”


“Yeah…that hurt…

Maybe stress is getting to him? Maybe too much small-town politics?

Stubborn man…and I’m fond of his kids—”

“Nuts don’t fall far from the tree!” Interjected the Friend.

“Well, that’s for darn-sure! When I saw how his daughter disciplined her

puppy (a puppy for Pete’s sake!) I can see how she must have been treated as

a child. It’s just plain sad to watch…I didn’t know what to say…but I

think I made it very clear my dislike of that-kind-of-language—it crosses a

line into verbal-abuse and abuse left unnoticed goes untreated…”

“Because if you come right out and say, ‘what you are doing is emotionally

abusing your pet’, she will deny it.”

“Yep! Then come the excuses…I know, I’ve heard it before. I had to walk

away…and such a sweet puppy! Playful and affectionate. I dont blame the

puppy for ‘not listening’ and how can I blame the girl?”

The Friend looked down thoughtfully and then spoke up,

“There must be a kind-way to let people see the harm their words and actions

cause others; let them know (without a confrontation):

Your words are crossing a line into verbal abuse territory and I would

appreciate if you took three steps back and a deep breath in.

You know…help them to break the cycle.

Better for them, better for everybody!

So ok, back to your story—what happened next?”

So he said to me:

“Then how about we

just don’t


to each other


and that will


the problem!”

“Brilliant!” (disbelieving-laughter from the Friend)


each day

that passes

i actually

feel more





“You aren’t angry?”

“No, I’m not angry. Disappointed yes. But angry?


(It’s not like the first time

I’ve opened my heart

to someone only

to have it broken.

But that was many years ago…

Today. I. Am. Strong.)

And if he were standing in front of me right now I would say,

‘What kind of a fool-of-a-man disrespects another man’s wife?

Do you not see you disrespect us both?’

But until that day comes,

I’m not holding my breath—

I have a family to care for and a home to keep.”

“Amen to that!” Said the Friend. “Is there more tea?”

The End.

And From Your Ashes I Arise Ch 5

1:33 Mairī karunā muditā upēsksānām sukha duhkha punya apunya visayānām bhāvanātah cittaprasādanam.

“Through the cultivation of friendliness, compassion, joy, and indifference to pleasure and pain, virtue and vice respectively, the consciousness becomes favorably disposed, serene and benevolent.

This sūtra asks us to rejoice with the happy, to be compassionate to the sorrowful, friendly to the virtuous, and indifferent to those who continue to live in vice despite attempts to change them. This mental adjustment builds social as well as individual health. Besides cultivating these qualities, one should follow the social virtues of yama (2:30) for the well-being of society as a whole…”

BKS Iyengar, Light on the Yoga Sūtras of Patanjali (1993)

Posted with permission from the publisher.

28 August 2018

Letter To My First Yoga Teacher (written during a flood event on Kauai)

Here I am, sitting quietly (yet anxiously) in our “jungle hut” (the smell of cookies baking in the oven). The Hanalei river continues to rise and the sound of water rushing underneath is one I won’t soon forget…

Thank you for gifting us with your book! And thank you for the sweet inscription. I am touched.

Reading your personal story is giving me a deeper understanding into the nature of my relationship as a student, to you as a teacher; and why it was so important for me to leave your class before I lost heart. Looking back now, I see more clearly than I did before. Again, thank you. Some of the most profound lessons come in the most subtle of guises.

It seems our paths have been converging for some years as I also grew up in Chicago (west side), and was first introduced to yoga in 1975 when I was four years old. Do you remember Lilias Folan on public TV?

Fast forward twenty-two years when we met. I was awestruck by the grace, strength, and confidence you demonstrated with your practice. You inspired me. And now, again twenty-two years later—I am still practicing.

As part of my svādhyaya practice, I began journaling as a way to reconcile a long family history of emotional abuse. As you say in your book “…not one of us is immune…”. So true. As I wrote, I found an inner freedom to express my own unique, albeit small, voice. I made friends with my “inner guru” and discovered she is a poet!

My shattered-self-confidence continues to recover; everyday I am learning it is our relationships to others and how we treat one another that is most important for a happy, healthy and productive society.

So, here we are, back on the island after twenty years—our paths cross once again. The beginnings of a new chapter. It’s been a fantastic adventure complete with fires and now floods. I am happy to report that just in the time I’ve been writing this letter to you, the waters have receded significantly, birds have come to feast on tilapia, and we are devouring cookies!

Lovely to reconnect with you and the growing yoga community here on the island. The spirit of “aloha” is a live and well. And it would seem, the spirit of discontent is also thriving? Paradise and Hell all wrapped up in one.

So grateful to be alive at this time, and a witness to the eternal unfolding of the cosmic drama before us. And yes, forever grateful you were a part of our introduction to the practice of yoga! Om shanthi.

March 9, 2018

Dear Mr. X,

I hope you don’t mind me saying this:

I only wish to put a smile on your face and a warm glow in your heart.

There are so many beautiful words I wish to tell you…

But first, I must apologize.

It was a long time ago.

I was young.

Too young.

I was used to being abused.

Not loved.

It was all so confusing…

I am sorry I hurt you.

Can you forgive me?

There are so many beautiful stories I wish to share with you!



I’ve had

the most

fantastically real dreams!

And…I’m dying.

Sooner or later

who can say?

It’s ok.

I feel pretty good actually

for a middle-aged woman in love.


I feel

my health

isn’t what

it used to be.


of abuse

is hard

on the


and mind.


my soul-

my indestructible luminous soul-

is strong

and ready to take flight!

This old cocoon

is getting



And can’t contain

what is beginning to emerge….

April 11, 2018


on the way home from bowling,

on the way to the butchers shop,

we drove past a sign

in front of a church

that read:

“Every day gives a new reason to praise God.”

And I thought,

Yes! Of course!

And praise



Jesus and Krishna

Lord Shiva


Thor and Zeus…don’t forget Kali…


we give


for one another,

with our

encouraging words


heartfelt gestures;

lifting up

one another’s spirits to


the absolute infinite spark

in each and every

one of us

dwelling within—

are we not also praising God?

I am grateful for the reminder.

I am also reminded

how so many souls

have lost sight

of their God.

Unwilling to praise. Unable to surrender. Ungrateful.


God’s will

is stronger

than mine.

And today is a brand new day.

April 15, 2018

“Have you been drinking?”

“Why do you ask?” Was his response.

“Because I am your aunt.”

(Because I’m watching

your behavior

and it is so predictable.

You aren’t the first alcoholic

I’ve ever known.)

Then comes the excuses…

The feeling is indescribable–

becoming estranged from a loved one.

Saying, “You are no longer welcome in this house.”

The bitter heart ache

when you realize

you’ve been betrayed.


But there is also freedom

and a lightheartedness

that I haven’t known before…

If I were standing in front of you now,

what would you do?

Because while there is a part of me that wants to box your ears;

another part wants to hold you like a baby crying in my arms.

I don’t understand

how you

can be

so hard on me.

(Is it because you are also hurting and I’m not there to hold you?)

You will

miss me

when I am

dead and gone.

Remember this while you are twisting your knife into my heart…

You are my sister’s son

and just like your mother

as long as I give you what you want—

you can be so sweet to me.

And when I refuse—

you show me just how deep is your need for me.

Why do you fight me when I am on your side?

Yes, it is true,

you were a victim

of childhood emotional abuse.

No child should have to endure what you did.

Yet, here we are–

and you are

no longer

a child.

It is difficult.

I understand.

Despair is a treacherous thing

when hope seems

so hopelessly

far away.




Struggle to climb up

Out of the depths of depression




What’s the use anyway?

Why should you care when (seemingly) no one else does?

But. They. Do.

If you can’t

On your own

“Square yourself



Seek out members of your community who can help.

And I think

you will find

they are willing,

more than willing

to help you


the best of you.

For you.

For your community.

For the whole of society.









There is nothing more I can do for you.

Not because I don’t love you or because I don’t care.

I want to see you

Becoming the most




Young man

You can become.

Nonetheless, you have to take responsibility for yourself.

And so

I have to risk losing you,

my angel baby.

My fond memories

of you-

your sweet

cherub smile-

I will always hold dear in my heart.

When you are ready

to face the darkness—

you will find

you are not alone.

We all need friends

who understand us.

Whom we can count on.

Who can count on us.

My heart

once broken

wide open

is strong again.

And I hope…

I’ll never stop



one day

realize your wings.

Only time will tell what God already knows…

May 4, 2018

He wants her to be more passionate in bed.

She wants him to be more affectionate in public.

They both cite: “too much water under the bridge”.

And so the two of them

go about their day

doing all the things

they normally do

for each other.


for the other

to make a move.

To change.

Looking up


from their iPads

smiling at one another to say:

“I’m still here doing the best I know how in this moment.”

Twenty plus years of shared experiences.

They lash out:

“I am not what you say I am…I am a better person than that!”

Water under the bridge. Moving too fast…

I admit

when we met,

I was naive

and foolish.

(Still, you found me attractive—remember when?)

But I was hopeful…

…hopeful we could be more to each other

than just expectations,

desires fulfilled,

and selfish needs met.

We could grow up together…

I’ve learned so much

from you

over our twenty

plus years together.

But now l am

so painfully aware

of just how little

I really know.

We treat each other as if we deserve to be punished.

Perhaps we do.

It makes me sick to my stomach…

We didn’t know each other well enough to get married, did we.

And yet here we are.




by the wayside.

Do I deserve to be punished?

Then do it

and get it

over with

before the raging waters

destroy this bridge

between us


May 10, 2018

“I have this terrible secret.”

So says my childhood fears.

“If he finds out

he will leave me.”

Or worse

come to resent me.

I know

I have





Choose from any of the personality disorders de jour.

Any one may fit.

Depending on the time of day.

It’s embarrassing and I’m not exactly proud of the stupid things I did or the way I behaved; bills had to be paid and I had to keep up the appearance I was a functioning adult–trustworthy and dependable. But I wasn’t. And deep down, I knew it.

This is no justification for my poor choices.

“It wasn’t my fault!” Cries the child. “I didn’t choose to be abused!”

Or did I.

Perhaps I did choose to incarnate

in this particularly difficult body

to have this particular experience.

To go through hell

and discover

what hell

truly is.

Not some

mystical place-


outside of myself.

But inside.

“Life is suffering”

So they say.

And for thousands of years so many “theys” have said exactly the same thing.






I remember a time

long ago

when I was


I tried

to be

a good


Adults are supposed to care for and protect children. Are they not?

It seemed to me

I was always in trouble

for something.

I grew to hate my birthdays.

I grew to hate myself.

But always

there was this thing

inside of me.

I never could

fully explain what it was.

But it was there

and it kept me alive–

Whispering, “Hold on sweet soul. Just one more day…”

I don’t know

from where

it comes–

but here it is.

And it doesn’t

hate anything.

I’m not so sure

it matters

what you call it.

Just as long

as you

have it

inside of you

And you listen–


Never stop

listening to the soft-whisperings…

I think

without it

I would have

taken my life…

so many times ago-

just to end

this suffering.

Hell hurts.

And there

were times

when the pain

was so great-

almost unbearable-

That I thought

I would leave

this awful-place-






It does make it a little more bearable to say:

“I chose to incarnate in this particularly difficult body to experience suffering.

And I choose to go through hell, if for no other reason—

just to see what is on the other side.”

Whether I deserve it or not, I am still alive.

Painfully. Joyfully. Alive.

And if he finds out–

all the better.

And From Your Ashes I Arise Ch 4

Nov 27, 2017

“Get over it!”

They said.

But it was too big

And I was too small.

“Let it go!”

I was told.

But it followed me.

I tried to go around it

But soon found it was everywhere…

I had no other choice but to go through it.

And to my surprise




It was dark inside,







A warm glow in my heart

And a smile on my face

Grew brighter and brighter…



I can see

More clearly

All the images

That once haunted me

Are nothing

More than



And From Your Ashes I Arise Ch 3

August 20, 2017


I wonder

And I know this may be hard to swallow


I’m curious


And please

you have to understand

Where I am coming from

Hear me out—

Because I don’t want you to misunderstand me.

Or my questions.

My family were immigrants—


First Stalin

Then Hitler.

My father was a hard working man.

He hoped we would assimilate.

My mother was born in a Berlin bomb shelter.

Broken from the start.

They did the best they knew how

With what little they had.

We have so much now.

And so I wonder if the rise in discontent

And escalating violence

From a relatively small minority of anti-capitalists

Who seem to lack true purpose

And feel disenfranchised in a system

That demands self-reliance in order to survive—

The ones who fell through the cracks

Even though they were promised

“No child would be left behind.”

They were promised so much…

Now they have no real leader

And no trust in authority.

They believe in nothing

Except their own imaginations.

And they hate.

Calling it love they hate.

If given half a chance

They would do

The same as their enemy did

And worse.

A pity.

So much potential lost.

And there is

Much work to be done.

When Earth needs us most.

And they still have their youth…

Is this rise in violence

From a relatively small-group

Of self-styled disenfranchised individuals

Who aren’t happy

With their station in life–

And are looking to blame


For their suffering

And perceived lack–

In fact a response to

Civilized societies




Just a question.

Aug 26, 2017

What is it you want?

Because right now all I hear is a whole lot of crying

“We want…”



I get it now.


I too

wanted to change

the world “for the better.”

I was no different

at your age.

Full of fear

and misunderstanding

hope and expectations.

I was so sure of myself.

But what did I know

about anything?

Least of all myself.

So I did things to

change myself

“for the better”.

I’d like to think

I’m succeeding.


I’d like to think

we are all succeeding.

In so many ways.

It may not seem

like much to you now.

But wait…

You will see.

If you look

inside your own heart

And discover the Truth:

The kingdom of heaven is within.

The change you so desperately

want is right here right now!

Generously, graciously, given

not taken by force

or coercion.

It is a gift.

And it is beautiful.


Song For The Other Side

We are living in chaotic times


A nasty ideological

Bloody psychological war.

The battlefield is the mind.

And each time WE

By OUR thoughts words and deeds

Cause more discord–

It is a victory for the enemy.

All across the globe

we see this

brutal attack

on society.

A cancer spreading

throughout humanity.

Disregard for decency.



In GOD we trust BRAVERY.

The oppressive progressive

political ideology


true democracy

but you are too blind to see

the hypocrisy—

or how you are


Blood on your hands in foreign lands…


save the rest

for your



When we are


Equally living in poverty!

Except for a few

too many on top

this has to STOP





Slaves to the

socialist state

no longer free

living in fear

too afraid to see.

Now close

your eyes

and I’ll sing


a song

of a place


no one has more than you

no one will envy you

no one will ever make you cry…

“Yogi®️ Tea wisdom”

And From Your Ashes I Arise Ch 2

By N.Z. Robotewske

“Maysasura?” I asked. “Who is Maysasura?”

Ah, he is small but big” was his reply.

“Oh, like Mighty Mouse?”

“Yogi®️ Tea”

July 11, 2017

She insulted the girl in front of me.

I was shocked–but this time prepared.

“Is this what you meant when you said, ‘She is hard on me….’?

Because now I clearly see.”

I asked for the girl’s help in the kitchen.

“Oh. She burns e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g!”

There was an urgency in her voice as if this was important information that I must now know if dinner wasn’t to be ruined by the incompetent little girl.

Dinner, by the way, was excellent.

“I was just joking. This is just who I am you know me better than that….”

Insults aren’t funny.

The girl told me

She loves her mother

And knows she is just trying to do her best.

She wishes they could be closer.


Mother is pushing away Daughter

(The way her own mother did with her)

With the unkind things she says.

And she doesn’t even know it.

I hope she knows it now.

I too wish they could be closer.

August 2, 2017

When she turned,

looked at me

and said–

“What the fuck am I doing…?”

I knew I found

A kindred soul.

Others may lead by example.

You show

others the way–

Because only when you’ve looked

Into darkness–

Can you truly know light.

And you shine…

To be continued…

And From Your Ashes I Arise Ch 1

“I form the light and create darkness: I make peace and create evil…”

Isaiah 45:7

For my mother who pushed me to the edge. My father who said, “Fly!”
And my beloved who helped me open my wings.

Chapter 1 Part 1


They offered her freedom

From the hell of her own making.

Then they gave her knowledge

Of good and evil…

July 16, 2015

Though the path be lonely
Follow your heart.

Though the path be dark
There is light in your heart.

“Look, Dear!” Mother cried. “It says right here that Jesus died for our sins!
Isn’t that wonderful!”
“Mommy? What is a sin?”
“Well a sin is all the bad things you are going to do when you grow up, Dear!”
(But Mommy I’m a good girl. Daddy tells me so.)

If ever there was a kid
who needed therapy——
“Get in the car.” (Slam door shut)
I was that kid.

Elementary school counselor
needed parent’s permission.
I was hopeful.

After about a half-hour of Dad
driving in silence
Mom spoke up.

“Don’t you EVER go to anyone about your problems at home.
Do you understand?
You come talk to ME!”

“Yes, Mother. I understand.”

(No Mommy I don’t understand. I need help but you are yelling at me and it scares me. He is not just anyone—he is the school counselor and he helps families.)

And that
was the first time I learned
to bold-face-look-you-in-the-eye-and-lie.

Thank you Mr. Elementary School Counselor
but I won’t be needing your help now
we’ve got it all worked out now
and we are all just fine now
so I will see you around

Part 2


Where is hell and why does Mommy tell you to go there?
Don’t cry Daddy!
I’ll go to hell with you!

She must have realized
After the fact
That to send her little girl
Into the front yard
To kneel
On the gravel
Wasn’t such a good idea.
What would the neighbors say?


I’m sorry, Mommy!

Sorry isn’t good enough!


She wanted me to experience the pain of separation from Jesus.

I wonder
If She
Cried herself
Onto her own bed
Behind her own closed door.

Did she also feel the pain of separation?

Part 3

April 20, 2017

Do you know how they break a horse’s spirit?
This is what I am going to do to you.

You are like a shiny apple on the outside
But you are rotten to the core.

You can’t dance. Your legs are too short.

You sing flat. No you can’t learn piano.

It’s too difficult for you.

Turn that off! Yoga is of the devil.

What are you crazy? I never said that!
Oh that’s real nice you must be crazy or sick in the head or something I can’t believe you…

Look, dear I got you a present. What you don’t like it? Then give it back!

You’re NOT going because I SAID so!

What book are you reading, Dear? Oh I can’t believe you! How could you read that filth! You must be sick in the head. You get rid of that book right now and you read your Bible!

Forget about college, Jesus is coming back soon.

You are going to grow up to be a whore just like your sister!

Sorry isn’t good enough!

Oh what would Jesus think about you? He would be disappointed in you too.

Forget about science. Science is of the devil!

No man will ever love you.

What are you crazy or something? You must be sick in the head. You need help.
I never said that. You are a liar!

You think it’s so easy out there? You think you are so worldly?

You are going to come crawling back home to ME begging for forgiveness.

You can’t make it on your own without me.

You’re getting married? Well you really pulled the wool over his eyes didn’t you.

Accept Jesus Christ as the lord of your life right now!

…oh that’s real nice blame me for all your troubles. Poor old mother. I’m so terrible. How could you. You’re too sensitive. You must be crazy or sick in the head or something I never said that…

Didn’t you know I used reverse psychology on you?
I wanted you to prove me wrong.
You disappoint me.
Go away from me I don’t ever want to see you again.
I wash my hands of you.


July 28, 2016

Looking back in disgust
I couldn’t trust
But I must
Move forward
A new way of living
I fucked up
Time to grow up
Show up.

Heart full of remorse
I set my course
On the fast track to hell
A road I knew so well.

You and I had karma to burn
Hard lessons to learn
Now you take your turn
Play the victim
The abuser
The accursed
The accuser
It’s all the same to me.

I was feeling dejected
My own mother
Abused me
Psychologically confused me

What are you crazy?
I wanted you to prove me wrong
How else could I teach you to be strong?

I died
Tried to hide
I lied
I cried
My heart

Part 4

July 25, 2015

Fell from grace
Into your arms
Didn’t know love
Could hit so hard.

But I always pull myself
Back together again
Twist the throttle
Find the line
Make the turn
Make amends.

One life’s too short
For this love affair
Let’s ride together
I’ll meet you there
On the back of your bike
Legs wrapped around
Holding on so tight
As we leave the ground…

Aug 23, 2015

I don’t look so good these days
Stress is taking a toll
Haven’t felt so well.
Where is my guardian angel?

I want to leave this place
Behind me
But I don’t know which way to go.

And then I hear my guardian angel quietly whisper

Though the path be painful
Though the path be dark
Always follow the path of your heart…

Sept 3, 2015

My marriage is eroding along with my self-confidence
And I am asking
This is what I came back for?

I wish I could say:

To my loving husband whose strength and support helped see me through this difficult        passage.  Who encouraged me right from the start to always express my authentic nature and      never stop believing in the power of true love...

I cannot.

With scorn and derision he says, “I am sorry your parents didn’t blah blah blah…”

It cuts.

April 21, 2017

Forgive me Mother for I have sinned.
Let not your Son’s death be in vain…

…when Mary looked up into His eyes and saw only love-
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

She must have cried bittersweet tears for us all.
For in that moment she must have understood-
“Where are your accusers?”

That what she was about to lose
The whole world would gain…

On my knees
Hiding in the shadow of the cross
I long to see your light.
So I burn down the cross
And from your ashes
I arise.

Part 5
April 21, 2017


When the little girl realized
She never truly grew up-
But not up-
She knew there was much work to do.
So she gathered up
All her childhood-broken-dreams
And set out to discover
Just how strong was her backbone.

“What happens next?” He asked.

Chapter 2