A Meditation on Sadness😔

May 17, 2020

I had been thinking so I started writing

Which got me talking…

And then it all became so crystal clear in front of me that

I could reach out and touch the thought–but it was just an illusion.

A resplendent sun shines today—but not for me.

Inside, my downcast skies are cloudy.

I am feeling sadness. I am feeling loss.

Pelagic depths of emotion, the

Siren beckons and with an inhale I

Slip

Beneath

The surface.

Exhale.

Dive deep into me and

With the heart of an explorer

Discover the shipwreck of your soul—find the

Treasure that awaits…

Not a day goes by when I don’t think of her.

And to think—I wanted to grow up to be ‘just like her’.

But I am not her.

I lost her many years ago. I still feel the loss today.

Wouldn’t it be so easy to just pick up the phone, call her,

“Hi, Mom! It’s me!” and

Pretend?

Pretend that everything is—what? Fine?

Breathe.

Everything is not fine; everything is the best that it can be.

To this I reconcile my sadness.

To this I surrender all hope of a return to what I once knew…so long ago.

There is no good reason to stir up the past!

The waters are calm now—

And clear.

From the profane muck below,

Rises a sacred lotus flower above,

That today

Opens

Under a resplendent sun!

Inside my inner skies

Passing thought-clouds arise—

And then fade away…

I am feeling.

The loss of a loved one to her addictions—I

Used it take it so personally. And

It was devastating. How could

She do this

To me?

It wasn’t personal. It was her loss.

I know this

Now

After

Many

Years struggling to understand.

Some things remain a great mystery.

Some questions have no good answers—

Neither does sadness.

It simply is.

And it too passes just as the clouds

Revealing

Once again—

The resplendent sun.

–NZain💓

PS. Mom, if you ever have the chance to read this–I forgive you.