March 3, 2020
Something happened a long time ago.
You’re not sure exactly what happened; however,
You remember it well. Like it happened just this morning.
And now, while you stand there at the sink washing dinner dishes,
Tears streaming down your face, “Oh God! Why didn’t I see it?”
You didn’t see it and neither did they. Dark secrets hidden in plain view. No one saw it.
Somethings are too hard to see. Instead, you feel them. Deep down inside. And they hurt.
God do they hurt like hell after all these years!
“This is crazy. You are a grown woman. Stop crying.”
So, you wash your face with dirty dishwater and carry on because
No. One. Knows. No one sees.
“It’s better this way” you quietly explain to yourself; smiling,
Drying your eyes with an old dish towel.
But you can’t explain why you are now screaming at your husband (or your children).
You can’t explain anything anymore because you’re not exactly sure
What exactly happened.
It was so long ago. You were just a little girl…
Yes. A long time ago something happened. It was a terrible thing and it
Shattered your world.
And here we are wondering why life seems so mean-spirited and meaningless.
“Why did this happen to me?”
It’s ok. Go ahead. Ask the questions.
Dear God,
Nothing makes any sense to me. My life is falling apart. My marriage is falling apart.
I don’t like what I have become.
Angry. Bitter. Resentful. And worst of all—I behave just like her.
How do I stop? How do I stop hurting…
Myself.
And others.
It’s 2am and you are wide awake apparently talking to yourself again.
Are you listening this time?
Look at the man lying next to you who made a vow to you for better or for worse.
Listen to the sound of his breathing. Peaceful. Rhythmic. Soothing.
How much more worse can he take?
And you? How much more worse are you willing to suffer?
Close your eyes. Rest awhile.
It’s still dark, and a new day yet dawns.
–NZain
Growing Up... 