March 5, 2020
“Every regret for shattered hopes of success must be transformed into the joy of new achievements…” Paramahansa Yogananda
Grieving the loss of childhood is a part of the process, however, what you lost is nothing compared to what you may now gain.
2am and you are wide awake.
Listen. Do you hear the owl outside your window?
“Who. Who. Whooo are you?”
Who is the one next to you now?
Sleeping peacefully
Breathing
Rhythmically…
The night sky is still dark and
The vast expanse of the heavens shine brilliantly above you.
A warm bed cradles your body.
Your head rests comfortably on a pillow below you.
Rest a while longer.
You are safe.
I am here with you.
And the thoughts begin to wash over me…
You and I
We know what it’s like
to lose ourself to another.
Denial, anger, grief…all of it.
That horrible feeling knowing a piece of you is missing.
Emptied.
We try and fill in the gaps but it never really satisfies, does it. We hadn’t yet learned how separate ourselves. How to take back ourselves. So we looked to others to fill in the spaces and make us whole. We looked to others for self-love.
And where there was none, we looked even harder.
You loved me hard and fast. Nearly broke me in the end.
And from it, we both learned hard and fast truths.
And then we had our fill.
“Enough! I’ve had enough!”
“I can’t take anymore abuse from you!”
Then stop. Just stop.
“YOU STOP!”
Sigh….
Here we go again.
In my heart there is a pit. The lowest level of Hell.
I’ll take you there and cast you down—
I’ve never met one with so much darkness until I met you.
My perfect match. A formidable opponent.
You took me to the deepest depths of Hell (the pit in my heart) and back again.
I went willingly there to find a missing piece of myself…
We fear pain so we push love away into a dark room—alone. Lock love away.
Now you can’t hurt me. Now you can’t love me.
I too just wanted to get on with my life. Leave the past behind.
How naive. What you fear most, you become.
What you won’t accept, eats away at your core.
It’s hungry. Feed it. Nourish it. Listen to what it says:
You are grieving. Your life is insufferable. It wasn’t enough your childhood was stolen. You grew into a woman you don’t even like. Can’t stand to look at her. You know what she is like inside. Rotten. What man could love you? If he knew the ‘real you’ he would run like hell to get away from you.
And he should.
“I was wrong about you. Blinded.
Now I know the truth—I can never love a woman like you.”
A woman ‘like you’
Charming
Cunning
Seductive
Secretive
Destructive
Desperate
“I need you! Help me. Just this one more time.”
How did I become her? Where did my own dreams go? How did I become so diminished and she so real? How did I get here?
Do you remember your dreams, little girl? You wanted to perform–make people happy.
How could that be so wrong? How could that dream be so wrong?
Someone else had a dream broken.
“Who do you think you are? You think you’re so special? You are NOTHING!
You will come crawling back to me…”
I learned instead to fly…
This was all just a ‘life lesson’? That’s it? Is it time now for recess?
I’d like to go outside, get some fresh air, and climb a tree, thank you.
I never was very good playing with other children. They might find out the truth and you know how cruel kids can be anyway. They like spreading rumors. Kids can be mean-spirited. Little girls can be monsters. Ask me how I know.
I was embarrassed by my family. What was wrong with us? Why were we so different?
Other kids saw it. They told me so.
Moving away was scary and exciting. Finally! A chance to start over and begin again!
And finally my own room…until she came back and started the whole process spiraling down…again.
Did anyone care about me? So fixated on helping her to succeed. So important that she be happy and successful. Did I matter to anyone? Was my happiness my success as important as hers? It wasn’t apparent to me. It didn’t show.
What would I have to do to get your attention?
I could be more
Charming
Cunning
Seductive
Secretive
Desperate
Destructive
Maybe then I could hold your attention
Just like she did…
I remember the boy in school I liked liked me too. So shy were we! He waited until the end of the school year and wrote it on every page of my yearbook. “I will always love you.” We moved again at the end of that year.
Then there was the older boy who showed me too much attention who said disparagingly to me, “Do you want me to treat you like a fourteen year old or a sixteen year old?”
Note to younger self: GET OUT OF THERE. YOU ARE NOT SAFE. HE WILL COERCE YOU TO DO THINGS YOU ARE TOO YOUNG TO DO. You will regret this, trust me. If only my younger self would have listened then…
Are you listening now?
The owl outside your window asks
“Who. Who. Whooo are you?”
The one who chose you as his wife for better or for worse
Sleeps peacefully now.
Breathing rhythmically now.
Are you listening?
God is all
And you are a part.
What?
God is all?
And I am a part?
Yes.
If I am a part, then he is also a part?
Yes.
And if he is a part, then she is also a part?
Yes.
Oh that is a difficult pill to swallow.
Yes.
In time you will understand. You will learn.
For now, close your eyes and breathe peacefully, rhythmically…
Can you sense the dark expanse of the heavens shining brilliantly above you?
Feel the warmth and comfort of the pillow below you?
Your body dissolving into soothing surrender…
Sleep comes naturally now
Dreams come sweetly now
The sky is yet dark
You are safe
I am with you
Rest in Me
I am All and
You are a part…
–NZain 🙏🏻
Growing Up... 