And From Your Ashes I Arise Ch 1

“I form the light and create darkness: I make peace and create evil…”

Isaiah 45:7

For my mother who pushed me to the edge. My father who said, “Fly!”
And my beloved who helped me open my wings.

Chapter 1 Part 1

First

They offered her freedom

From the hell of her own making.

Then they gave her knowledge

Of good and evil…

July 16, 2015

Though the path be lonely
Follow your heart.

Though the path be dark
There is light in your heart.

“Look, Dear!” Mother cried. “It says right here that Jesus died for our sins!
Isn’t that wonderful!”
“Mommy? What is a sin?”
“Well a sin is all the bad things you are going to do when you grow up, Dear!”
(But Mommy I’m a good girl. Daddy tells me so.)

If ever there was a kid
who needed therapy——
“Get in the car.” (Slam door shut)
I was that kid.

Elementary school counselor
needed parent’s permission.
I was hopeful.

After about a half-hour of Dad
driving in silence
Mom spoke up.

“Don’t you EVER go to anyone about your problems at home.
Do you understand?
You come talk to ME!”

“Yes, Mother. I understand.”

(No Mommy I don’t understand. I need help but you are yelling at me and it scares me. He is not just anyone—he is the school counselor and he helps families.)

And that
was the first time I learned
to bold-face-look-you-in-the-eye-and-lie.

Thank you Mr. Elementary School Counselor
but I won’t be needing your help now
we’ve got it all worked out now
and we are all just fine now
so I will see you around
goodbye.

Part 2

GO TO HELL!

Daddy?
Where is hell and why does Mommy tell you to go there?
Don’t cry Daddy!
I’ll go to hell with you!

She must have realized
After the fact
That to send her little girl
Out
Into the front yard
To kneel
Bare-skinned
On the gravel
Wasn’t such a good idea.
What would the neighbors say?

GO TO YOUR ROOM!

I’m sorry, Mommy!

Sorry isn’t good enough!

SLAM!

She wanted me to experience the pain of separation from Jesus.

I wonder
If She
Also
Cried herself
Exhausted
Onto her own bed
Behind her own closed door.

Did she also feel the pain of separation?

Part 3

April 20, 2017

Do you know how they break a horse’s spirit?
This is what I am going to do to you.

You are like a shiny apple on the outside
But you are rotten to the core.

You can’t dance. Your legs are too short.

You sing flat. No you can’t learn piano.

It’s too difficult for you.

Turn that off! Yoga is of the devil.

What are you crazy? I never said that!
Oh that’s real nice you must be crazy or sick in the head or something I can’t believe you…

Look, dear I got you a present. What you don’t like it? Then give it back!

You’re NOT going because I SAID so!

What book are you reading, Dear? Oh I can’t believe you! How could you read that filth! You must be sick in the head. You get rid of that book right now and you read your Bible!

Forget about college, Jesus is coming back soon.

You are going to grow up to be a whore just like your sister!

Sorry isn’t good enough!

Oh what would Jesus think about you? He would be disappointed in you too.

Forget about science. Science is of the devil!

No man will ever love you.

What are you crazy or something? You must be sick in the head. You need help.
I never said that. You are a liar!

You think it’s so easy out there? You think you are so worldly?

You are going to come crawling back home to ME begging for forgiveness.

You can’t make it on your own without me.

You’re getting married? Well you really pulled the wool over his eyes didn’t you.

Accept Jesus Christ as the lord of your life right now!

…oh that’s real nice blame me for all your troubles. Poor old mother. I’m so terrible. How could you. You’re too sensitive. You must be crazy or sick in the head or something I never said that…

Didn’t you know I used reverse psychology on you?
I wanted you to prove me wrong.
You disappoint me.
Go away from me I don’t ever want to see you again.
I wash my hands of you.

SLAM!

July 28, 2016

Looking back in disgust
I couldn’t trust
But I must
Move forward
Toward
A new way of living
Forgiving
I fucked up
Time to grow up
Show up.

Heart full of remorse
I set my course
On the fast track to hell
A road I knew so well.

You and I had karma to burn
Hard lessons to learn
Now you take your turn
Play the victim
The abuser
The accursed
The accuser
Delusion
Reality
It’s all the same to me.

I was feeling dejected
Unprotected
Rejected
My own mother
Abused me
Psychologically confused me

What are you crazy?
I wanted you to prove me wrong
How else could I teach you to be strong?

Inside
I died
Tried to hide
I lied
I cried
My heart
Broken
Wide
Open

Part 4

July 25, 2015

Fell from grace
Into your arms
Didn’t know love
Could hit so hard.

But I always pull myself
Back together again
Twist the throttle
Find the line
Make the turn
Make amends.

One life’s too short
For this love affair
Let’s ride together
I’ll meet you there
On the back of your bike
Legs wrapped around
Holding on so tight
As we leave the ground…

Aug 23, 2015

Depression.
I don’t look so good these days
Stress is taking a toll
Haven’t felt so well.
Where is my guardian angel?

I want to leave this place
Behind me
But I don’t know which way to go.

And then I hear my guardian angel quietly whisper

Though the path be painful
Though the path be dark
Always follow the path of your heart…

Sept 3, 2015

My marriage is eroding along with my self-confidence
And I am asking
This is what I came back for?

I wish I could say:

To my loving husband whose strength and support helped see me through this difficult        passage.  Who encouraged me right from the start to always express my authentic nature and      never stop believing in the power of true love...

I cannot.

With scorn and derision he says, “I am sorry your parents didn’t blah blah blah…”

It cuts.
Deep.

April 21, 2017

Forgive me Mother for I have sinned.
Let not your Son’s death be in vain…

…when Mary looked up into His eyes and saw only love-
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

She must have cried bittersweet tears for us all.
For in that moment she must have understood-
“Where are your accusers?”

That what she was about to lose
The whole world would gain…

On my knees
Hiding in the shadow of the cross
I long to see your light.
So I burn down the cross
And from your ashes
I arise.
Luminous.

Part 5
April 21, 2017

Self-Realization

When the little girl realized
She never truly grew up-
Sideways
But not up-
She knew there was much work to do.
So she gathered up
All her childhood-broken-dreams
And set out to discover
Just how strong was her backbone.

“What happens next?” He asked.

Chapter 2