June 27, 2019
Hi friends. After a leave of absence and some tough growing pains, I’m writing again–trying to make sense of this chaos. Sharing with you some of the tougher aspects of my reality and passing storms…
June 20, 2019
Once Upon A Time
There was a girl who lived and died.
She loved the world, but the girl’s mother said:
“If I don’t break her spirit first, the world will–for the world is cruel”.
And so the mother set out to make sure the girl’s heart was thoroughly hardened—to protect her of course.
But instead the mother caused in the girl a deeper longing to know ‘true love’ and she spent her whole life searching in vain for love from those whose own hearts were also hardened because she had learned so young from her mother, “love must hurt”.
Along came a handsome young man with a sweet smile who gave the girl false hope of a life spent together in bliss. Actually, he gave her no hope of anything. It was all in her own broken head.
Ah he could be so sweet as he told her about his own struggles with addiction and failed relationships. How the girl longed to show the man her deepest-self and all her shortcomings even though it was quite clear to her–he was still in love with the woman before. Still, the girl was determined to love him at all costs—even her own life: so strong was her belief in happiness ever after. So strong was her belief in him. She thought her love strong enough to heal them both. She was wrong. So wrong.
Soon they were married (too soon) and she did all she could to prove her love was true, the best he had ever known, which for a time the man seemed to enjoy. However, the girl came to realize that behind the man’s sweet smile and kind nature was a dark impenetrable fortress he had built around his own hardened heart. He would never let the girl come close enough and so he could never fully love her either. He was unwilling or perhaps unable to communicate with her fairly, so when the girl voiced her displeasure—he became angry and they fought. He questioned the girl’s value. He shut her out. He yelled at her and told her terrible unkind things. She grew weary of defending herself. The man’s sweet smiles turned against the girl and he blamed her for their unhappiness. He blamed the girl’s mother.
But because the girl thought, “love must hurt” she stayed, until one day she realized she had stayed too long. True love must not hurt. She failed. Exhausted, she gave up. And so after too many tear-stained years together the girl who wanted always to love the unloveable world lost all hope in ‘true love’ and she died of a self-inflicted broken heart.
June 23, 2019
Another day, another reckoning. Here we go again. What dies is reborn. Losing you, I’ve gained something even more precious. And from this day forward, I can look you in the eyes and say, “I am a survivor. And I am stronger now because of you.”
With love and gratitude,