The Story of My Life.

November 3, 2019

I don’t want to believe

You would still hurt me

Like you do. Like you did this morning.

We just can’t seem to get through

To one another–we need each other. Now.

More than ever. Now. We need

Each other’s loving arms wrapped around;

Holding each other up–not

Tearing each other down.


Is this really what you want?

Is this how you really want to continue?

I can’t stop you from becoming angry with me. I can’t

Stop you from doing anything. I don’t always

Agree with the things you do.


I’m scared of what you might do to me…physically or emotionally–hurt

Is hurt. You know it. I know it.

I do hope one day you learn to

Control your own anger. Not

With drugs, alcohol or sex; with

Patience and compassion.

Is this me ‘telling you what to do?’

As you said to me this morning: “deal with it”.

I’m telling myself as well…

I hope you are

Smiling right now–because I

Don’t say this out of spite as much as sadness…and

Hope. (Maybe there is still some spite mixed in with the sadness; but

there is always more hope :))

And I don’t say this lightly…I wish you one day find the peace you are looking

For. And may you attract a stronger woman than myself. I give up.

I can’t help you heal your broken-heart–if

You won’t let me in.

What ever happens now

I won’t soon forget you.

In this life

Or the next.

Your once loving

Always loving

Best friend

The one you laugh with, live for–

Dream with.

Do you remember the time?

I couldn’t wait to be with you again.

We rushed in headlong

Not looking where the road may lead. Ok.

We did what we did. Not

Easy to swallow when the

Medicine burns.

Forgiving ourselves is more

Difficult than forgiving

One another. No?

Once, long ago I asked you if

You would marry me. Now

I’m asking you if

You will divorce me.

I don’t ask this lightly

And I’m not asking out of hate.

(I know you feel the same)

“I love you…I can’t take anymore.”

Inside–I’ll be ok.

I’ve met good kind people who

Encourage me to keep going—

Keep healing and keep sharing

My poetry and my art. For this,

I am grateful.

I know there will be other difficulties

Getting back on my own two feet again; and

I sure would appreciate your help.

And please–before you get

Involved with someone else. Ok?

I just don’t want to make the same mistakes again…

Yes, when you met me I was

Incredibly naive about taxes and

Everything else adult.

You know this.

And you knew I

Carried heavy baggage.

Too young. Too pretty. Too proud.

Too easily seduced.

Now, I’m too old. And

Not so pretty anymore.

Still proud.

But not so easily seduced either.

I have you to thank for this.

If you have read this far. I appreciate your time and the time

We did share together. Laughing. Dreaming…

Short though our time together was; I could write a million more words.

I’ll stop here instead.

As always,

With love and gratitude,



October 27, 2019

You thought you were special; the

Chosen One.

Until you read a self-help book that said–

“We are everyone”.

And everyone who is in need of healing

Feeling broken-hearted; let’s

Get started. Now.

Before another life is lost tossed by

The wayside because somebody lied;

Hey kid try this. It will make you feel special.”

I know it’s just a dream; the

Problem too extreme

For anyone person to go alone.

We need each other.

My mother lost hope. She couldn’t

Cope with the horrors of life.

“Jesus!” She prayed, “take away my strife!”

And each year when in the clouds

Of glory the Christ did NOT appear–

She fell deeper into despair

For her family

She would no longer care…

MOM! Jesus showed us the way to The kingdom!

So did Buddha



Dante and every poet since

Who says don’t let your anger turn into bitterness.

Life is sweet. And

You are special…

And everyone who is in need of healing

Feeling broken-hearted; let’s

Get started. Now.

With love and gratitude,


The Beginning of the End.πŸ™ƒ

October 6, 2019

Hi! My name is Nina–the N in NZain–and this is the beginning of the end of a year long commitment to my blog Growingupsideways:

Surviving Childhood Emotional Abuse, Politics, Religion and Sex.

Thank YOU! This blog wouldn’t still be here if not for YOU! There were times I wanted to quit…but your words comforted and I felt in YOU a kind heart. A mutually supportive friend. Although we have never met in person–together, here in the virtual world–we’ve created a little more love in the real world.

And none of this blog would ever have happened, if not for you, my LOVE…you know who you are…

Many years ago

You swept me off of my feet; and

When I sent you an

SOS–you didn’t let me fall…

You were kind,

Compassionate and


You caught me

UP! In


Encouraging words and


let me

back down

Reminding me of the time…

I am forever and a day grateful

We crossed paths


In the End

We made mischief & magic. And




Something new is

Being birthed here…and dying.

The Beginning of the End.

A different story





Own ashes.

All the lovely interactions here have been medicine to my wounded heart. As I read the stories of other survivors–I am humbled and comforted knowing we are not alone…we are everyone.

And as I work through and grow up–processing my own issues with abuse–I feel blessed to be here with you. Thank you for reading, for liking, and for helping me make this blog grow with ALL of your wonderful comments and emojis. Sometimes all you need is a 😊.

I’m the girl from NOWHERE

Who never truly belonged ANYWHERE

Traveled the world over…


Just trying to find my way HOME.

Born in AMERICA to

UKRAINIAN immigrants.


They did their BEST to make a BETTER life in the NEW COLD ONE.

Yes, they made mistakes (who doesn’t?).

They learned…they sacrificed…they died.

They planted trees. They made beautiful homes and communities:gardens for future generations so as to be remembered by well. They built churches to remind them what they had left behind. And they fought. Good Lord how they fought!

And they wept as well. With difficulty telling their stories in hushed voices, silence and pain. It is in the silence that I’ve come to understand just how terrible and awesome is this existence.

Now here I am, doing my best to hopefully entertain and inspire you, with these words and videos that are made entirely by me with the technical assistance of my dear husband and precious one. None of this exists without your love and support, Pa! None of it!

If you are enjoying what you see here, please let me know in the comments. Your kind words inspire me to continue creating new projects. And they definitely make me 😊

So please stay tuned to The Beginning of the End…and as always with love and gratitude,

Nina, NZain