Category: Growing Up Shattered

Staying Inspired While Staying Isolated.

March 15, 2020

Storm clouds will come…

…and so will rainbows.

Reaching out from our little hermitage with a long-distant hug. We are all in this together and I am hopeful brighter days are ahead, even while storm clouds gather. Time will pass.

Take care of yourselves and loved ones…

WLaG,

Nina💓

Shattered Chapter 4:Reflections on the Irrational and Transcendental.

March 14, 2020

3:1415926536…am

My thoughts return to You

Always to You,

Oh Lord

You are the whole

I am a fraction.

The logical mind finds it difficult to comprehend the transcendental.

“You are being irrational!”

“Exactly! You don’t understand a thing I am saying! Stop trying to fix me…I am not broken.”

“You talk in circles!”

“And you think too linearly.”

So we picked at each other’s scabs until the old festering wounds oozed their long held poison.

The smell of rot made us both recoil.

“I hate you” I hear myself say.

Love directed by fear, fueled by anger, expressed as hate.

As long as you fight with me—we stay connected just a little while longer. Right?

Did you want me to hurt? The way you were hurt? Did you want me to feel your pain?

So I would understand? So I wouldn’t do to you again what was already done?

How did we get to this place?

Hand in hand. Pushing and shoving. Pulling each other.

I don’t know any other way; this is how I learned…but I’m willing to learn again.

Can you teach me? Can you show me the way?

Holy Spirit sweet and true

Guide me ever and only

Towards You.

When I stumble and miss my aim

Recall to me

Your sweet name.

There is still more pain in him.

“Healing takes time,” he said.

“Yes.” I said. “I understand.”

(Together we could have ruled the world, You and I…)

I am glad we were finally able to make some sense of that long ago but not entirely forgotten episode. These burdens we’ve carried serve only themselves. And they are selfish. So selfish. But, they are also weak and can’t stand on their own. Let them fall away. Let them go back…crawling.

“I was messed up” is as good an answer as any. I understand completely. I forgive you. I was messed up too.

And in forgiving us, I forgive myself.

That really is the hardest part isn’t it? Forgiving oneself. Forgive us.

Wasn’t it you who said, “mornings are wiser than evenings”

(Yes. I read it an old Russian fairytale)

The owl is quiet.

All is quiet.

And now

I am quiet.

–NZain

Shattered Chapter 3: Listen to Your Dreams Unfolding

March 9, 2020

For powerful men and women everywhere.

I dream

I am

In the presence of a powerful man.

Intelligent. Interesting. Patient. Kind.

I am soaring!

Then, for some reason there I am folding his laundry when he says with a kind smile, “you don’t need to be my maid”.

I think to myself, “is this the best I have to offer such a powerful man?”

He shows me a fantastic invention he created (a wonderful machine); and asks me to take the control into my hands.

(Oh to try and describe the thing! Words fail me now…it was after all only a dream)

I am clumsy on my own, so he simply, patiently

And rather gently holding the control with me—barely touching my hand—begins guiding me to feel…

“Surrender to take-charge.” he says

Not quite touching my ear with his own breath.

I am terrified and find it difficult to trust myself. I will fail—break the thing.

I feel I will crumble—be exposed for my incompetence and vulnerability—and he will judge me—abandon me, or worse—criticize me.

It is too much for my nervous system. I am both simultaneously scared and excited as I begin to feel myself relax and let go while an immense flood of energy unfolding through my body threatens to annihilate me.

I am exhilarated and exhausted.

I have to escape the reality of this dream.

He patiently smiles. He understands. I wake myself…

What kind of woman am I? What do I have to offer a powerful man?

Am I a scared little girl who never grew up–unconscious; waiting for love’s true kiss to wake me?

How sad to wait on someone else who is also scared and unconscious and waiting…waiting.

I am

Intelligent. Interesting. Patient. Kind.

I won’t give up on my dream. I will gently train my nervous system to control this immense flow of energy unfolding throughout my body which threatens to annihilate me.

And I will grow stronger and more powerful.

I will surrender and take charge.

“Wooohooooo!”

I listen to the owl outside my window and the sound of my breath in harmony with the one lying next to me: Intelligent. Interesting. Patient. Kind.

I look at the clock. 3:14 am.

My heart fills with joy. I could stay in this unfolding moment for all eternity.

And for now,

I will.

–NZain