This Is How Divorcing You Feels: On High Street. Chapter 5

Continued from Pursuing Love’s Addiction: On High Street. Chapter 4

March 13, 2021

Now I see the truth;

Nothing has changed.

I can pour all the love I once had for you back into my own-self where my love belongs. This is how divorcing you feels—really good. No longer will you use me to serve your needs—for this is our last life time together…and now my soul, finally free from every lie you ever told… just to hide the pain of losing me. You turned on me. From the sweetest boy I’d ever known, to a man quite capable of cruelty. You lied to me…tried to hide the truth like I was just some dumb girl…and not your woman. Well, I am your woman no more. I am my own self. Not an extension of you. Not another half of you. Not beholden to you…for your anger does not rule my thoughts or opinions. I see things you won’t. I see the sun shining on a world that is ‘perfectly rotten’; every conflict an opportunity. I see God in everything…even death. But you push away that which you fear while your heart collapses for a lack of joy! Instead of laughter to cleanse the heart, a scornful look burns inside the very thing…I came to you; first with the brush of my hand, then an opening of my arms to draw you in close…you pushed me away…one last time. Who can say–victim or abuser? “everything was fine until you— —!” Fill in the blanks and the hole in my heart while I pour all the love I once had for you back into the container of my soul and make it beautiful again. Make it strong again. Make it me again…alone again to face what’s around the next bend and twisted moral high way. And you can’t drag me down.

To be continued…

–NZain💓

The heaviness in the lightness; the darkness in the bright...

Pursuing Love’s Addiction: On High Street. Chapter 4

March 12, 2021

Continued from Love, Life, Death…and Little White Lies. Chapter 3

Pursuing Love’s Addiction: On High Street.

When do you say—

“—it is enough!”

The young parents

Rejoice in

The birth of their child so

He may grow up and

(If he is lucky) lament

Their death.

(“I would rather be lucky than good.”)

So

Each may know sorrow

Each may know joy…

So

Each may choose of

His own

Free will to rejoice.

Mankind once united

Became divided and

Man

Became

Kind…

…once more. (for just a moment but—what a moment it is)

Mankind being

All One

Became

Two.

And the two drew a reflection around the sun holding out their hands, drawing in (to their hearts) warmth; drawing in life.

A new circuit created;

Love united.

Wild passion

Burning

Down

The

World.

But.

Man being now kind

Reached out his hand unto the moon

(The cooling light of the moon)

And wrapped himself in

Her cooling light.

While anger finds its way in-

To the heart…

…and lungs.

Shhhhhhh….” whispers the child to a beloved doll, “don’t tell them we’re here. Shhhhhhhhh…” she speaks softly, “they will never find us in here.”

Well, Anger can find its way out and worry can go too!

Inhale…exhale…inhale…

“Huuuuuuuuuuuuu…”

“Who said that?”

‘’I said that. Anger can find its own way out and worry can go to!”

“Huuuuuuuuuuuuu….”

“Who are YOU to tell ME what to do?”

It was at this point that the child unable to withstand the laughter bubbling up from inside burst out, “Hahahah!”

And Anger settled down with Worry by his side. They both took a deep breath down into their souls and released their hold on the heart of mankind. All they could say was, “Choi.”

Looking everywhere (except

Thee) for just the

One

Right word to express (me) this feeling of

Complete inadequacy—failing to see

A reflection of

One’s

Self. Tell me,

What do you see in the eyes of another—

(All the pain you’ve caused pursuing love’s addiction?)

What were you expecting?

Because

Disappointments

Are

Terrible.

Breaks your heart wide open and if your aren’t careful to fill in the gaps with…

…mercy. compassion. love. You fail to comprehend why the parents rejoice at all.

“Forgive me Father for I have sinned against my Mother.”

No tribunal can save us now. It’s up to us; alone we may be but never without faith…

…and mercy.

Shhhhhhhh….” the small child reminds her own small anger, “you’ll wake up worry. Shhhhhh…it’s ok little doll don’t get so upset! You’ll cause worry to fear for her life and courage will disappear.”

For what is courage but joy!

And laughter…laughter in the face of those who would attempt to destroy her.

“Whoooo?” The owl cries out over his shoulder looking back.

“Who is it?”

Who is it you look for in the dark of night

Starring up into the endless sky and the ceiling starring back at you

All the endless faces (you won’t admit to)

You see? Will I

See them too?

Lying next to you

In the dark of the endless night…

…will I see them too?

Or

(Is this just my imagination?)

This isn’t real.

You think you will cry if

We

Make

Love

Because

The pain of losing me is too great to overcome—

Shhhhh….don’t cry little doll! Who is it who is losing whom?”

What joy to wipe away each (and other’s) tear.

In laughter and

In sorrow

(How many lifetimes

God only knows:)

Will I be by your side.

Loving you is the only thing

That makes sense to me—

Call me ‘crazy’ but I think

I’m falling in love…

…with you and the

Whole wide world watching

From above…and the angels are smiling

Smiling down on you…as

…you’re falling

Falling on your pillow and I think

I’m falling

Down

To sleep while the angels are smiling…

…smiling down on you and

The whole wide world is sleeping…

…sleeping now…I’m thinking

Thinking

I’m falling

In love.

It is enough.

To be continued…

–NZain😊

Thank you for spending a few precious moments here with me today. Wishing everyone joy.

Love, Life, Death…and Little White Lies. Chapter 3

March 5, 2021

Continued fromThe First Day of the Rest of My Life. Chapter 2

“Yes it is! You know just last night I spoke to my own granddaughter…” Mr. A stopped himself and with a broad smile continued, “I’m terribly sorry, Miss Jesse to go on like that, but you know how passionate I get about what they’re telling our young girls today. They aught to be telling the young kids—boys and girls alike—“

“—that making love is a conscious choice?” Jessica interjected with a grin.

“And girls have the “right” to mind their own bodies!” Mr. A slapped his knee and then with a more serious gesture, “Oh Miss Jesse there I go again! But tell me, what brings you out to High Street on this fine day?”

I’m having a really tough moment. Everything just turned upside down….like I’ve been floating on a magic carpet, and the rug just got pulled out from under my feet. I’m falling…

“…the doctor says I have less than a year to live, and my husband wants a divorce. Funny thing is (she laughed back a tear) I’m not sure which is worse! But he doesn’t know and why should I tell him now?”

and my heart’s been ripped open…

Mr. Armstrong dropped his shoulders shook his head and let out a strong sigh. How does one respond to the suffering of another fellow human being?

“Love, life, death…and little white lies. Jessica, I’m telling you this now—if there is anything, and I mean anything me or Mrs. A can do for you—you just let us know. You hear?”

“Yes, I hear. Thank you, Mr. A.”

To be continued…

–NZain.💓

As always, thank you dear reader for sharing your thoughts here.

The First Day of the Rest of My Life. Chapter 2

February 28, 2021

Continued from A New Story Begins Again

As Jessica turned to leave the doctor’s office, her hand on the front door, the words of Doctor Thomas still ringing in her ears, “making love is a conscious choice” she paused for a moment and said quietly to herself, “Well Jess this is it, the first day of the rest of your life. How are you going to live it?”

(Go through the gate

There is no other way…)

Outside the office of Dr. Thomas, Jessica inhaling deeply the fresh Spring air; lilacs in full bloom, (their unmistakable perfume always having the same affect of gently transporting her back in time) “Everything seems…vaguely familiar, but—different.” Pulling her sweater in close around her shoulders and looking both ways before proceeding, she turns right onto High Street (deciding to walk today) where it’s been less than a year since the rioting finally ended. Less than a year.

Recently, several of the local business owners got together and hired a private security company to ease both tensions and worries of merchants and customers. Mr. Jack Armstrong, retired Navy Captain with strong Southern tendencies, provided to do just this.

On most days, Mr. Armstrong could be seen outside the old bookstore “Owl’s Books” where he kept a close eye on neighborhood politics.

Today, he was standing in front of Owl’s conversing with Ms. Stone, the local school librarian…

“Ms. Stone, if a girl is ‘too young’ to raise a baby, in other words—too immature; then she is by logic, reason and nature too young and immature for sexual relationships! If the young lady truly wants to exercise her ‘right to choose’, then she can start by exercising her God given right to say ‘NO! Not today.’ And if she still feels pressured or threatened by the boy—then perhaps it is here wherein the problem lies! But a girl who has not yet learned how to contain her virtue, in other words—is still naive; is only asking for more trouble down the road! And that, Ms. Stone, is certainly no way to grow up.”

Jessica, now approaching the pair, just happened to catch the tail end of this (ahem) lively conversation between Ms. Stone who was holding up a sign that read, “Women’s bodies. Women’s choice.” and Mr. Armstrong.

“Hmph!” was all Ms. Stone could say as she turned up her stony nose. But deep inside, Ms. Stone knew the man spoke truth.

And now within earshot, Jessica smiling with one eyebrow curiously raised; Mr. Armstrong turned his attention away from politics for a moment and called out, “Good day to you, Miss Jesse! A fine day to be alive (opening his arms wide and puffing out his chest with a deep inhale) and breathe in all of the good Lord’s creation! Ms. Stone and I were just having a friendly little discussion about all God’s creatures great and small.”

“Hmph.” with that, Ms. Stone gave Jessica a stern look, then hastily walked away dragging her sign behind.

“Heh heh! Oooh that Ms. Stone is a busy body if you ask me! Miss Jesse, you know how they want to open an abortion clinic right here on High Street, in our little town. Make abortions ‘more accessible’ they say.”

Jessica nodded. “Yes, and it’s causing quite a stir in the community, Mr. A.”

It sure is! You know just last night I spoke to my own granddaughter…” Mr. A stopped himself and with a broad smile continued, “I’m terribly sorry, Miss Jesse to go on like that, but you know how passionate I get about what they’re telling our young girls today. They aught to be telling the young kids—boys and girls alike—“

“—that making love is a conscious choice?” Jessica interjected with a cherubic grin.

“Yes, good Lord and both girls and boys have the “right” to mind their own bodies!”

To be continued on High Street. Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts here.

–NZain💓

A Side of Me.

February 24, 2021

Yesterday, I had an epiphany. I saw a side of me I didn’t care to see.

And what the thing showed me…I wonder now:

Is it easy to love a woman with addictions; or one who is self-deprecating? And…

…of the two—is there hope?

But,

How to begin again? Where to begin? How does one be themself if one does not know themself? How does one become something other than what one is?

How does a caterpillar become a butterfly?

Only the caterpillars know…

…and God.

So,

I looked again at the behavior and how the pattern was formed…released the stress from my body the best way I knew how…and learned a little something new about my self.

Today is a different day. Today I saw a side of me I like. Today, I am more myself.

The strange thing about childhood emotional abuse is that even long after the abuser is gone, the abusive behavior may still manifest itself as self-abuse. This is dumb. This is no way to live. Ever. Stop it. Now.

Transforming self-abusive behavior into self-caring behavior is a process. Yep. Just like the caterpillar becoming a butterfly. God knows.

–NZain 😊

Thank you for reading. Hope your day is pleasant.

Still Working on Chapter 2…

February 21, 2021

Hi from Lockdown Mountain!

Prayers and warm hugs to all our loved ones around the world. 💓

Extra-warm-ice-melting hugs to our loved ones in Texas.

Hoping power is worked out; warmer days coming soon…🙏🏻

Still working on my crochet shrug.

Still tying up loose ends on chapter 2 of A New Story Begins Again

Looking back on our history…

Trying to figure how the future plays out in the life of “Jessica”.

If you were told you had, “less than a year to live”…

…(fill in the blank)?

Thank you for all the kind support and thought provoking dialogue.

This is how we make the world a kinder place–I’m convinced of it.

Wishing you all a pleasant Sunday!

With love from the cottage in the woods. 😊

–©NZain