“I form the light and create darkness: I make peace and create evil…”
For my mother who pushed me to the edge. My father who said, “Fly!” And my beloved who helped me open my wings.
Chapter 1 Part 1
They offered her freedom
From the hell of her own making.
Then they gave her knowledge
Of good and evil…
July 16, 2015
Though the path be lonely Follow your heart.
Though the path be dark There is light in your heart.
“Look, Dear!” Mother cried. “It says right here that Jesus died for our sins! Isn’t that wonderful!” “Mommy? What is a sin?” “Well a sin is all the bad things you are going to do when you grow up, Dear!” (But Mommy I’m a good girl. Daddy tells me so.)
If ever there was a kid who needed therapy—— “Get in the car.” (Slam door shut) I was that kid.
Elementary school counselor needed parent’s permission. I was hopeful.
After about a half-hour of Dad driving in silence Mom spoke up.
“Don’t you EVER go to anyone about your problems at home. Do you understand? You come talk to ME!”
“Yes, Mother. I understand.”
(No Mommy I don’t understand. I need help but you are yelling at me and it scares me. He is not just anyone—he is the school counselor and he helps families.)
And that was the first time I learned to bold-face-look-you-in-the-eye-and-lie.
Thank you Mr. Elementary School Counselor but I won’t be needing your help now we’ve got it all worked out now and we are all just fine now so I will see you around goodbye.
GO TO HELL!
Daddy? Where is hell and why does Mommy tell you to go there? Don’t cry Daddy! I’ll go to hell with you!
She must have realized After the fact That to send her little girl Out Into the front yard To kneel Bare-skinned On the gravel Wasn’t such a good idea. What would the neighbors say?
GO TO YOUR ROOM!
I’m sorry, Mommy!
Sorry isn’t good enough!
She wanted me to experience the pain of separation from Jesus.
I wonder If She Also Cried herself Exhausted Onto her own bed Behind her own closed door.
Did she also feel the pain of separation?
April 20, 2017
Do you know how they break a horse’s spirit? This is what I am going to do to you.
You are like a shiny apple on the outside But you are rotten to the core.
You can’t dance. Your legs are too short.
You sing flat. No you can’t learn piano.
It’s too difficult for you.
Turn that off! Yoga is of the devil.
What are you crazy? I never said that! Oh that’s real nice you must be crazy or sick in the head or something I can’t believe you…
Look, dear I got you a present. What you don’t like it? Then give it back!
You’re NOT going because I SAID so!
What book are you reading, Dear? Oh I can’t believe you! How could you read that filth! You must be sick in the head. You get rid of that book right now and you read your Bible!
Forget about college, Jesus is coming back soon.
You are going to grow up to be a whore just like your sister!
Sorry isn’t good enough!
Oh what would Jesus think about you? He would be disappointed in you too.
Forget about science. Science is of the devil!
No man will ever love you.
What are you crazy or something? You must be sick in the head. You need help. I never said that. You are a liar!
You think it’s so easy out there? You think you are so worldly?
You are going to come crawling back home to ME begging for forgiveness.
You can’t make it on your own without me.
You’re getting married? Well you really pulled the wool over his eyes didn’t you.
Accept Jesus Christ as the lord of your life right now!
…oh that’s real nice blame me for all your troubles. Poor old mother. I’m so terrible. How could you. You’re too sensitive. You must be crazy or sick in the head or something I never said that…
Didn’t you know I used reverse psychology on you? I wanted you to prove me wrong. You disappoint me. Go away from me I don’t ever want to see you again. I wash my hands of you.
July 28, 2016
Looking back in disgust I couldn’t trust But I must Move forward Toward A new way of living Forgiving I fucked up Time to grow up Show up.
Heart full of remorse I set my course On the fast track to hell A road I knew so well.
You and I had karma to burn Hard lessons to learn Now you take your turn Play the victim The abuser The accursed The accuser Delusion Reality It’s all the same to me.
I was feeling dejected Unprotected Rejected My own mother Abused me Psychologically confused me
What are you crazy? I wanted you to prove me wrong How else could I teach you to be strong?
Inside I died Tried to hide I lied I cried My heart Broken Wide Open
July 25, 2015
Fell from grace Into your arms Didn’t know love Could hit so hard.
But I always pull myself Back together again Twist the throttle Find the line Make the turn Make amends.
One life’s too short For this love affair Let’s ride together I’ll meet you there On the back of your bike Legs wrapped around Holding on so tight As we leave the ground…
Aug 23, 2015
Depression. I don’t look so good these days Stress is taking a toll Haven’t felt so well. Where is my guardian angel?
I want to leave this place Behind me But I don’t know which way to go.
And then I hear my guardian angel quietly whisper
Though the path be painful Though the path be dark Always follow the path of your heart…
Sept 3, 2015
My marriage is eroding along with my self-confidence And I am asking This is what I came back for?
I wish I could say:
To my loving husband whose strength and support helped see me through this difficult passage. Who encouraged me right from the start to always express my authentic nature and never stop believing in the power of true love...
With scorn and derision he says, “I am sorry your parents didn’t blah blah blah…”
It cuts. Deep.
April 21, 2017
Forgive me Mother for I have sinned. Let not your Son’s death be in vain…
…when Mary looked up into His eyes and saw only love- “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
She must have cried bittersweet tears for us all. For in that moment she must have understood- “Where are your accusers?”
That what she was about to lose The whole world would gain…
On my knees Hiding in the shadow of the cross I long to see your light. So I burn down the cross And from your ashes I arise. Luminous.
Part 5 April 21, 2017
When the little girl realized She never truly grew up- Sideways But not up- She knew there was much work to do. So she gathered up All her childhood-broken-dreams And set out to discover Just how strong was her backbone.