The Dark Light of the Soul

October 18, 2020

Continued from Act 1. Scene 1. “Other People’s Words”

The Dark Light of the Soul

She awoke with a start.

“Where am I?” Allowing her eyes a moment to adjust to the pale moonlight shining on her new surroundings, “I’ve been writing in my sleep again. And my bladder is full! Now. Where is the bathroom?”

Careful not to trip ove—“Ooh ouch! That’s going to leave a reminder” boxes full of memories waiting to be rediscovered, “I won’t soon forget.” Rising up from her knees, feeling along the wall, “Here we are.” Sitting down on the commode, “Ahh, relief.”

Alone in the dark recalling her dream, “So tell me about you. What’s your name?”

Hi. My name is Nina. I was abused as a child. Emotionally. Sexually. Severely.

This may account for some of the more bizarre behaviors I displayed growing up.

“See how they run…”

I was a fool to think you could ever love me broken and damaged as I am. Never could I ever fill your image of me…as much as I wanted to be…to please you.

I don’t remember when it started.

He would come late at night into my room—quietly,

So as not to disturb me. And

As if in a dream

I would find myself

As I am now

On the commode

Panties around my ankles.

It all seemed so perfectly innocent until

One day I learned

The awful truth.

She came bursting through the door horrified at the scene—

Screaming at us

Both.

That same day I lost

Both

My parents.

That same day my family relocated to Hell.

And there was I raised, trained in secrecy

To hide my family’s shame.

What more would you like to know about me?

My name is Nina and I am in recovery

Uncovering

My family’s shame.

I am learning to unlearn the damage that was done—It is finished! And in me

The cycle of abuse is broken…

You may love me

Or leave me

I don’t take it personally. After all

Most of us are simply human

While some of us are gods.

But who can escape judgment day?

I don’t ask for your sympathy or your understanding.

I hope you

Never

Understand

What life in

Hell was

For me.

I don’t speak now for myself because

Even as I speak

Now—

There is one who is

Abused

And one who is

Accused—

Both lives broken.

And somewhere there is one who thinks her life no longer matters—but these words won’t reach her in time.

Hold on. Your life IS a miracle. You matter. You will see.

And here I am alone reaching into

The dark light of my soul

Pulling up my big girl pants

Reclaiming what was lost,

Re-visioning my self in

Your divine image:

A woman

Created

With

A

Purpose.

Good morning. My name is Nina and these words won’t write themselves.

–NZain💓

Thank you for reading.