May 17, 2020
I had been thinking so I started writing
Which got me talking…
And then it all became so crystal clear in front of me that
I could reach out and touch the thought–but it was just an illusion.
A resplendent sun shines today—but not for me.
Inside, my downcast skies are cloudy.
I am feeling sadness. I am feeling loss.
Pelagic depths of emotion, the
Siren beckons and with an inhale I
Dive deep into me and
With the heart of an explorer
Discover the shipwreck of your soul—find the
Treasure that awaits…
Not a day goes by when I don’t think of her.
And to think—I wanted to grow up to be ‘just like her’.
But I am not her.
I lost her many years ago. I still feel the loss today.
Wouldn’t it be so easy to just pick up the phone, call her,
“Hi, Mom! It’s me!” and
Pretend that everything is—what? Fine?
Everything is not fine; everything is the best that it can be.
To this I reconcile my sadness.
To this I surrender all hope of a return to what I once knew…so long ago.
There is no good reason to stir up the past!
The waters are calm now—
From the profane muck below,
Rises a sacred lotus flower above,
Under a resplendent sun!
Inside my inner skies
Passing thought-clouds arise—
And then fade away…
I am feeling.
The loss of a loved one to her addictions—I
Used it take it so personally. And
It was devastating. How could
She do this
It wasn’t personal. It was her loss.
I know this
Years struggling to understand.
Some things remain a great mystery.
Some questions have no good answers—
Neither does sadness.
It simply is.
And it too passes just as the clouds
The resplendent sun.
PS. Mom, if you ever have the chance to read this–I forgive you.