March 14, 2020
My thoughts return to You
Always to You,
You are the whole
I am a fraction.
The logical mind finds it difficult to comprehend the transcendental.
“You are being irrational!”
“Exactly! You don’t understand a thing I am saying! Stop trying to fix me…I am not broken.”
“You talk in circles!”
“And you think too linearly.”
So we picked at each other’s scabs until the old festering wounds oozed their long held poison.
The smell of rot made us both recoil.
“I hate you” I hear myself say.
Love directed by fear, fueled by anger, expressed as hate.
As long as you fight with me—we stay connected just a little while longer. Right?
Did you want me to hurt? The way you were hurt? Did you want me to feel your pain?
So I would understand? So I wouldn’t do to you again what was already done?
How did we get to this place?
Hand in hand. Pushing and shoving. Pulling each other.
I don’t know any other way; this is how I learned…but I’m willing to learn again.
Can you teach me? Can you show me the way?
Holy Spirit sweet and true
Guide me ever and only
When I stumble and miss my aim
Recall to me
Your sweet name.
There is still more pain in him.
“Healing takes time,” he said.
“Yes.” I said. “I understand.”
(Together we could have ruled the world, You and I…)
I am glad we were finally able to make some sense of that long ago but not entirely forgotten episode. These burdens we’ve carried serve only themselves. And they are selfish. So selfish. But, they are also weak and can’t stand on their own. Let them fall away. Let them go back…crawling.
“I was messed up” is as good an answer as any. I understand completely. I forgive you. I was messed up too.
And in forgiving us, I forgive myself.
That really is the hardest part isn’t it? Forgiving oneself. Forgive us.
Wasn’t it you who said, “mornings are wiser than evenings”
(Yes. I read it an old Russian fairytale)
The owl is quiet.
All is quiet.
I am quiet.