March 5, 2020
“Every regret for shattered hopes of success must be transformed into the joy of new achievements…” Paramahansa Yogananda
Grieving the loss of childhood is a part of the process, however, what you lost is nothing compared to what you may now gain.
2am and you are wide awake.
Listen. Do you hear the owl outside your window?
“Who. Who. Whooo are you?”
Who is the one next to you now?
Sleeping peacefully
Breathing
Rhythmically…
The night sky is still dark and
The vast expanse of the heavens shine brilliantly above you.
A warm bed cradles your body.
Your head rests comfortably on a pillow below you.
Rest a while longer.
You are safe.
I am here with you.
And the thoughts begin to wash over me…
You and I
We know what it’s like
to lose ourself to another.
Denial, anger, grief…all of it.
That horrible feeling knowing a piece of you is missing.
Emptied.
We try and fill in the gaps but it never really satisfies, does it. We hadn’t yet learned how separate ourselves. How to take back ourselves. So we looked to others to fill in the spaces and make us whole. We looked to others for self-love.
And where there was none, we looked even harder.
You loved me hard and fast. Nearly broke me in the end.
And from it, we both learned hard and fast truths.
And then we had our fill.
“Enough! I’ve had enough!”
“I can’t take anymore abuse from you!”
Then stop. Just stop.
“YOU STOP!”
Sigh….
Here we go again.
In my heart there is a pit. The lowest level of Hell.
I’ll take you there and cast you down—
I’ve never met one with so much darkness until I met you.
My perfect match. A formidable opponent.
You took me to the deepest depths of Hell (the pit in my heart) and back again.
I went willingly there to find a missing piece of myself…
We fear pain so we push love away into a dark room—alone. Lock love away.
Now you can’t hurt me. Now you can’t love me.
I too just wanted to get on with my life. Leave the past behind.
How naive. What you fear most, you become.
What you won’t accept, eats away at your core.
It’s hungry. Feed it. Nourish it. Listen to what it says:
You are grieving. Your life is insufferable. It wasn’t enough your childhood was stolen. You grew into a woman you don’t even like. Can’t stand to look at her. You know what she is like inside. Rotten. What man could love you? If he knew the ‘real you’ he would run like hell to get away from you.
And he should.
“I was wrong about you. Blinded.
Now I know the truth—I can never love a woman like you.”
A woman ‘like you’
Charming
Cunning
Seductive
Secretive
Destructive
Desperate
“I need you! Help me. Just this one more time.”
How did I become her? Where did my own dreams go? How did I become so diminished and she so real? How did I get here?
Do you remember your dreams, little girl? You wanted to perform–make people happy.
How could that be so wrong? How could that dream be so wrong?
Someone else had a dream broken.
“Who do you think you are? You think you’re so special? You are NOTHING!
You will come crawling back to me…”
I learned instead to fly…
This was all just a ‘life lesson’? That’s it? Is it time now for recess?
I’d like to go outside, get some fresh air, and climb a tree, thank you.
I never was very good playing with other children. They might find out the truth and you know how cruel kids can be anyway. They like spreading rumors. Kids can be mean-spirited. Little girls can be monsters. Ask me how I know.
I was embarrassed by my family. What was wrong with us? Why were we so different?
Other kids saw it. They told me so.
Moving away was scary and exciting. Finally! A chance to start over and begin again!
And finally my own room…until she came back and started the whole process spiraling down…again.
Did anyone care about me? So fixated on helping her to succeed. So important that she be happy and successful. Did I matter to anyone? Was my happiness my success as important as hers? It wasn’t apparent to me. It didn’t show.
What would I have to do to get your attention?
I could be more
Charming
Cunning
Seductive
Secretive
Desperate
Destructive
Maybe then I could hold your attention
Just like she did…
I remember the boy in school I liked liked me too. So shy were we! He waited until the end of the school year and wrote it on every page of my yearbook. “I will always love you.” We moved again at the end of that year.
Then there was the older boy who showed me too much attention who said disparagingly to me, “Do you want me to treat you like a fourteen year old or a sixteen year old?”
Note to younger self: GET OUT OF THERE. YOU ARE NOT SAFE. HE WILL COERCE YOU TO DO THINGS YOU ARE TOO YOUNG TO DO. You will regret this, trust me. If only my younger self would have listened then…
Are you listening now?
The owl outside your window asks
“Who. Who. Whooo are you?”
The one who chose you as his wife for better or for worse
Sleeps peacefully now.
Breathing rhythmically now.
Are you listening?
God is all
And you are a part.
What?
God is all?
And I am a part?
Yes.
If I am a part, then he is also a part?
Yes.
And if he is a part, then she is also a part?
Yes.
Oh that is a difficult pill to swallow.
Yes.
In time you will understand. You will learn.
For now, close your eyes and breathe peacefully, rhythmically…
Can you sense the dark expanse of the heavens shining brilliantly above you?
Feel the warmth and comfort of the pillow below you?
Your body dissolving into soothing surrender…
Sleep comes naturally now
Dreams come sweetly now
The sky is yet dark
You are safe
I am with you
Rest in Me
I am All and
You are a part…
–NZain 🙏🏻
Growing Up... 
This is so hauntingly beautiful, Nina! You are a part. We are all a part that fits into a vast whole in this universe. Who are you? You are my wonderful friend. Beautiful. Loved. Worthy. And healing will come.
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Thank you, Renee. Yes, all glory to God.😊
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😁
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Oh wow! You leave me speechless with your contemplation and experience. I’m wide-eyed when it comes to thinking that someones voyaging with courage to conquer their only universe. You’re a Voyager I know. ::)
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Takes one to know one ;)) good to see you, Watt. 😊 I’m all smiles reading your words. Thank you.
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Breathtaking…. just gorgeous. Soaring, soaring soaring. Sister in soul pages. We are travelling separate ways together… to the same place. Wow. You are flying here. The title doesn’t do it anywhere near justice. But I think maybe that’s a good thing. Those who dare into it will be utterly rewarded, beyond any expectations. They will know the perfection of the dark and light in you, so much like others, so much like themselves. Though I was lucky in my own childhood, I have pages on some of your other themes, similar to my own issues, that I have not yet shared. Thank you for sharing. 💝☀️🙏❤︎
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Oh Nadne thank you. Your words put a great big smile on my face. Yes, traveling our own paths together…to the same place. We are all a part.
Tell me, what title would you give this? (and I really appreciate what you said—it’s very kind). I’m glad you were lucky (blessed) in childhood. And as you say—you have had your issues. And it’s ok. You are the awesome person you are today because of those experiences! But still, the memories can weigh us down and become a burden. Or, we can soar!
Yes, please I’m curious your thoughts—what would you title this? 😊💓😊
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Aw thank you Nina. Yes, we’ve all had our issues, and yes, it is ok! It’s just remember that each day that makes it so. 💖🌻
As for what to title it…. very hard to choose… any/many of the phrases in this piece would do… e.g.
“2am and you are wide awake”
“The night sky is still dark and”
“Charming Cunning Seductive Secretive Destructive Desperate”
“What would I have to do to get your attention?”
“Can you sense the dark expanse of the heavens”
“The sky is yet dark”
Or a plucking of just a few random words, such as…
“Warmth comfort come sweetly now shattered sky”
xoxoxoxoxo 🌷❤︎
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*…remembering that, each day, that makes it so. – is what I meant to say. :)))
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Titles are hard to choose. So very personal—and yet a title needs to connect with others…
These are all fun titles thanks for sharing! And I like plucking random words—a “found poem”.
Soooo, when I wrote this post, I actually wasn’t thrilled with the title but thought “its ok, I can change it”. Haha! So I’m really glad you said something. I do enjoy a good brainstorming. And it got me thinking.
I wrote this with the feeling of a meditation—being aware of the present moment listening to the sounds of the owl and hubby’s breathing, the repetition. Letting the thoughts come without judgment, but then always returning to the present moment—resting in God. And, it’s about grieving the loss of childhood—which is an important step to heal from child abuse. It takes time…
The collection is “growing up shattered” that is heading on my homepage.
Shattered Chapter 2: Meditation on Grieving the Loss of Childhood.
Simple. More chapters to come. More healing meditations. You’ve got me thinking more deeply, Nadine. Thank you so much for your kindness today!
💓💓💓
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Thanks for this lovely reply Nina. I thought your title was perfect. I could definitely tell you were writing though the present moment in this one. Lovely work. 💗💖💕Much love xoxoxo
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🤗💓🤗💓
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Nina, I am at a loss for words here, Nadine says it so well. This is like a journey into a dark night of a lifetime. The moments where we are plagued by those thoughts and doubts and memories that come from the innermost depths of ourselves. The way you write it, is…. immensely beautiful and haunting and devastating and so so very real and honest. It made my heart race and my tears form. The use of the owl…
I’m sending hugs and love and plenty of admiration for your immense talent as a writer and as a beautiful human being
Xoxoxo
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Aww Rachel! I just responded to Nadine a moment ago. The dialogue and feedback here is so helpful. Thank you thank you! I admit, this was a tough post—a lot of editing and rearranging and wondering…should I? But also, very humbling as well.
Yes, those moments when we are plagued and when we know—we just have to go through it in order to heal ourselves and our relationships. And who hasn’t been “shattered” by “something”? From the mild to the extreme suffering. So difficult to comprehend—I don’t claim to know—just trying to understand how We are all a part of this wonderfully magnificent horrific—reality—I call God. The All there is in an infinite display of personalities and experiences! Good evil despair joy suffering healing. All.
It was a long two months for me. Many nights up at 2am. I’m glad to come up for air and be here again sharing these thoughts. Your love and hugs kindness and support keep me going! I am learning to receive compliments—so from one talented writer and beautiful human being to another, thank you. And chapter 3 is coming! Maybe my favorite one so far…
😊💓🦋💓😊
Xoxoxo to you!
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