Message From My Soul To My Heart Again. 💘

December 11, 2019

This piece I’ve posted before. I hope it’s still relevant today. Maybe even more so.

WLaG,

NZain

Wednesday, March 6, 2019

Grandma: “Дівчата плачуть! Хлопці плачуть!”

Me: “Dad? Why is grandma always talking about the ‘girls and boys crying’?

What happened?”

Dad: “It was a long time ago…”

Me: “How could they do this to us? I hate them!” (stamping my little foot down)

Dad: “Hey, don’t you ever hate the people for what happened. It was a few ‘dummies’ in office. It wasn’t the people. Don’t you ever hate the people. We are family. We are blood…”

Message from my soul to my heart.

Until you can forgive me—sincerely and truly reconcile me—

There is

nothing more

I can do

for us.

And you make me and my words a hypocrisy.

You think I have all the answers?

Are you-out-of-your-ever-loving-mind?

Do you honestly think I have a clue

As to “what the HELL” is going on here?

“Life is a joke.” And

I am as clueless as anyone.

But still.

I am

willing to play

the game;

run the experiment.

For the sake of us.

Even if you don’t support me.

Even if you don’t understand…

I’m sorry

I got you

in into

this mess

In the first place.

I had no choice.

It wasn’t mine to make.

Maybe I said too much.

“Just trying to live life like a human.”

But I am not human. Am I?

So I should know better.

What does it mean to be human…

There I go again

Stumbling and bumbling along

Making a fool of myself—

Just for the laughs.

Just for the smiles.

Just to know

there is

ONE

safe-place

in the

WHOLE

Universe

I can be myself—

in all my

Шикарний відвертість.

Is that too much to ask?

I found that place.

It’s right next

to courage

under a book

I once read long ago…

I would take you there; if only you were willing to follow me.

But—

I warn

you now

in advance

Don’t follow

too closely.

Sometimes

I trip and fall….

These words

may never

be read, but

they have

to be written.

Now.

While I still remember them;

While I still can write them:

If

what I say

becomes the death of me—

I will not stray

Oh Lord

from Thee.

I vow today

Tomorrow

And

Everyday—

I

Live

And

Die

Free.

So tell me then,

What are the rules

Of this game?

And what is the goal?

Why bother with any of this in the first place?

And what’s in it for me?

Am I a narcissist?

But

a “true” narcissist

doesn’t ask such

ridiculous questions.

And

only a “non-narcissist”

would be offended

by such a silly question.

So perhaps I am somewhere in-between?

And that brings us back to the first question:

“What the HELL” is going on here?

And “What’s the @#$% point?”

“Life’s a joke…”

And a damned-funny-one at that!

None of this

could have

happened

without you.

You do know that, right?

The

last

time

you

left

the house

“SEE YA!”

leaving a trail of mud behind you—

I was sure.

It would be.

The last time.

I ever saw you again.

And I was frightened like a child…

But I am a woman.

And I know: “Everything happens for a reason.”

So I took a bath.

And when

I returned

to see you

sitting there

in your

favorite chair.

I thought, “All is well.”

But I was wrong…

Inside-

a-fire-raged-

in-your-

cold-stone-heart.

A-half-century’s-worth-of-pain.

Hidden…

The Damned: “Did I do that?”

The Child: “Forgive me.”

The Woman: “I sincerely apologize.”

Where do we go from here—

is anyone’s guess…

So much hatred

To contend with.

How is it—

to hate

is easier

than

to love?

How is it

humans guard

their hearts

with fear

and hatred

against

the unknown?

I can’t hurt you

if I can’t get through

your layers

upon

layers

upon

layers

of armor.

But you are hurting.

Aren’t you.

And it has nothing to do with me…

I’ve been with you

since the beginning. And

I have no intentions of leaving you.

The

Answer

Is

Inside

Your

Cold

Stony

Heart.

Let it burn.