Growing pains. A Tragic Love Story.šŸ’”

June 27, 2019

Hi friends. After a leave of absence and some tough growing pains, I’m writing again–trying to make sense of this chaos. Sharing with you some of the tougher aspects of my reality and passing storms…

June 20, 2019

Once Upon A Time

There was a girl who lived and died.

She loved the world, but the girlā€™s mother said:

ā€œIf I donā€™t break her spirit first, the world will–for the world is cruelā€.

And so the mother set out to make sure the girlā€™s heart was thoroughly hardenedā€”to protect her of course.

But instead the mother caused in the girl a deeper longing to know ā€˜true loveā€™ and she spent her whole life searching in vain for love from those whose own hearts were also hardened because she had learned so young from her mother, ā€œlove must hurtā€.

Along came a handsome young man with a sweet smile who gave the girl false hope of a life spent together in bliss. Actually, he gave her no hope of anything. It was all in her own broken head.

Ah he could be so sweet as he told her about his own struggles with addiction and failed relationships. How the girl longed to show the man her deepest-self and all her shortcomings even though it was quite clear to her–he was still in love with the woman before. Still, the girl was determined to love him at all costsā€”even her own life: so strong was her belief in happiness ever after. So strong was her belief in him. She thought her love strong enough to heal them both. She was wrong. So wrong.

Soon they were married (too soon) and she did all she could to prove her love was true, the best he had ever known, which for a time the man seemed to enjoy. However, the girl came to realize that behind the manā€™s sweet smile and kind nature was a dark impenetrable fortress he had built around his own hardened heart. He would never let the girl come close enough and so he could never fully love her either. He was unwilling or perhaps unable to communicate with her fairly, so when the girl voiced her displeasureā€”he became angry and they fought. He questioned the girlā€™s value. He shut her out. He yelled at her and told her terrible unkind things. She grew weary of defending herself. The manā€™s sweet smiles turned against the girl and he blamed her for their unhappiness. He blamed the girlā€™s mother.

But because the girl thought, ā€œlove must hurtā€ she stayed, until one day she realized she had stayed too long. True love must not hurt. She failed. Exhausted, she gave up. And so after too many tear-stained years together the girl who wanted always to love the unloveable world lost all hope in ‘true love’ and she died of a self-inflicted broken heart.

The End.

June 23, 2019

Another day, another reckoning. Here we go again. What dies is reborn. Losing you, I’ve gained something even more precious. And from this day forward, I can look you in the eyes and say, “I am a survivor. And I am stronger now because of you.”

With love and gratitude,

Nina šŸ™‚

Author: NZain

Finding my way forward...

85 thoughts on “Growing pains. A Tragic Love Story.šŸ’””

  2. Nina, my friend, this is so beautifully written, but hurts my heart so much as well. These things may make us strong but the pain of the process…. well….. I hope this girl finds her happily ever after, despite…. everything. And I send this girl warmth from my own arms and heart and hope that this could ease the ache, even just a little, even for the briefest of moments. Sending love and hugs xxoo

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    1. My dear sweet undeniably romantic and thoughtful Rachel. If I can ease the hurt in your heartā€”which I would NEVER want to hurt EVERā€”Iā€™ll be writing more about the grieving process in upcoming posts. And if writing about my process can help ease someone else who is strugglingā€”just to know they arenā€™t aloneā€”then my mission is complete. šŸ™‚

      Thank you for your kind and compassionate support. I truly and sincerely appreciate sharing in this experience with you, my friend. And as for the girlā€”she receives the warmth, love and hugs gladly and basks in your sunshine. šŸ’žšŸ˜ŠšŸ™šŸ»ā˜€ļøšŸ¤—

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      1. I am pleased the girl receives these things happily, as I really am glad to send them ….. And, I am so glad that you will be writing more about the grieving process. I feel like that princess night out in bare feet is called for! ā¤ļøā¤ļø

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  4. O dear, that’s so beautifully written! As I read, I felt the pain along with you. It was heart wrecking to hear about what happened. But as you said, we grow through the pain and in the end emerge much stronger than before. I really like the way you end the post. Because just like you I also believe that no matter how hard things are or how dark everything seems, there’s ALWAYS HOPE! šŸ˜Š
    Love and light to youšŸ’–

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    1. Thank you so much for reading and for your kind and compassionate words. Yes! There is always hopeā€”even in the darkest times. And I do hope that comes through my writingā€”regardless of how ugly things may have beenā€”there is always room for beauty.
      Love and light gladly received and also given in return to you šŸ˜Š

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  5. Oh, my dear Nina! Thank you for sharing this. I was so deeply moved. You are so strong and I am so grateful that you’re sharing this. Those scars can be challenging and really shape and define us, but there is always a forward, even when we can’t see it and don’t know where or why or how and we don’t even want it ā¤ ā¤

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    1. Oh, Nathan thank you for your kind and compassionate words of encouragement. And Iā€™m glad you are grateful for me sharing! Sharing is the tough partā€”but I also think itā€™s super important for anyone who is surviving abuse to know that yes itā€™s a difficult road to wellness butā€”itā€™s ok and we arenā€™t alone.

      And my husband is also strong. Loving someone who is processing their abuse is going to challenge your own issues too! We all have issues or past baggage or something! So while it may be incredibly challenging going through the healing processā€”itā€™s also rewarding too. Iā€™m grateful to this man who is willing to face his own stuff with meā€”so we may grow up together in love and compassion and joy. Ahhh….so grateful to you and all the wonderful people here on WP. The kindness and support is incredible šŸ™šŸ»šŸ˜ŠšŸ’ž

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  6. Welcome back šŸ’•
    There’s this quote I adore,
    “That’s the price you pay
    Leave behind your heartache; cast away
    Just another product of today…” Imagine Dragons

    Yesterday hurt, today burned, tomorrow ached. Just wait for the tomorrow that would have the status of “healed”. Wishing you sunny days šŸ˜Š

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  8. I’m mad that did not show up on my Reader.
    This is so moving. I understand this urge to break thru a person, to be together for a reason more crazy and divine than just thoughts; our feelings. You are bound to find love again, because there are sparks that come off in just the projection of your soul, your true self must be an eternal honeymoon. Be happy, be proud.

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    1. Thank you for all of this, Watt. And, I have found love againā€”in myself. First and foremost breaking through to myself. My husband has been a huge catalyst in this processā€”itā€™s tough for me to put into words without poetry. So stay tuned!
      Hmmm…doesnā€™t show up on your reader? Ah well…if you see nothing, remember me…:)
      Yes, be grateful

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      1. I would be stupid to stop reading your work. This was an adventure that I read. Usually, writing seems like an escapade but you elevated me to a realism the recognition of which has made me seriously re-examine the people that surround me. Keep making me feel. Heaven bless your beautifully soul. It’s the best when you love yourself. I’ll know soon enough. You’re one of my inspirations for wanting to be a good person, even when it doesn’t show prospect.

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  9. Hi Nina. Itā€™s me lol. I now can see that you have indeed gone through similar things to me. I am very moved by what you have written and I hope that indeed you will share your journey with us as and when you can. Wow! And what a journey it is! I am so happy to have found you my friend. Much love to you. Lorraine ā¤ļø

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      1. Hi Nina! Your welcome and thank you for reading my blog:) Itā€™s lovely to meet you too. Itā€™s amazing to read your poetry as I relate with so much of it. Iā€™m so glad we connected šŸ˜Š

        Liked by 3 people

      2. nice. Iā€™m glad you can also relate. Seems something we all share in commonā€”pain, suffering, healing, hope. Looking forward to reading more of your work šŸ™‚

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  11. Itā€™s not easy to share such experience and feelings, Iā€™m sure all this tough life made you the person you are now and glad you reached a peaceful place and a loving place as well despite all the darkness and cruelty
    Beautifully written and expressed šŸ‘ŒšŸ’•

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    1. Whewā€”no itā€™s not easyā€”but I keep trying. šŸ˜ŠšŸ™ƒšŸ˜Š it does help that you and everyone else here is supportive, kind and encouraging. Iā€™m grateful and humbled again and again. Thank you, my friend.šŸ™šŸ»šŸ’ž

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  13. Welcome back Nina!! For some reason your posts are not showing in my reader, there are a couple others like that too, don’t know why. So, sorry for being late here!šŸ˜”This was so beautifully written, thanks so much for sharing, I am sure it will be a help to others, just knowing someone else has gone through the same. And it’s so good to know you have come through to be that wonderful woman you are today, such an inspiration and encouragement to others, myself included. I hope you have a wonderful day Nina!šŸ˜ƒšŸŒžšŸ˜ŗ

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    1. Aw thanks, Steve! No need to be sorry. Happens to me too. Solar flares???
      Thanks for reading and for your kind and encouraging words. Iā€™m glad to know that what Iā€™m writing inspires othersā€”including you! And I am humbled by the warm and friendly folks here. This has been an awesome experienceā€”all of it! I am grateful to the WP community. Always glad to chat with Steveā€”you certainly do make the day brighteršŸ˜Š

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  14. If it hurts, it’s not love.
    Love is like a slave that heals the deepest and unnoticeable wounds…. it completes you and makes you whole. But the fact that you’re in one piece means there is so much for waiting for you!

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  15. Oh wow Nina…my mom said the same thing to me. I can say I’m on the other side of healing and than God. I wish I had figured this out when I was much younger but I didn’t. I love your beautiful shares and heart. As you know life’s not about mountain top experiences because it’s in the valley we grow. I wish it was different but it seems to not be for me. I love what you are sharing. I’m going to reblog that first video it’s so beautiful. ā¤

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  17. ā€œSelf inflicted broken heart.ā€ When I was a child it was, ā€œyou have to break his will.ā€ Iā€™m still willful – and I was taught to give my will away. Yes. I understand this. ā€œSelf inflicted broken heart.ā€

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    1. Oh goshā€”for me it was ā€œdo you know how they break a horseā€™s spirit…ā€ good to know you are still willful! Thank you for understanding. ā€˜Self-inflicted…ā€ ahh the trouble I got myself intoā€”well, now I have the rest of my life to see what comes next…

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      1. What comes next? Who can say…depression, like love, and grief…any feeling really leads each to her/his own path. The only sameness between us is that we speak the language of a broken heart which actually knows the language of healing…which I dare say you speak, too. There is a great deal of power in the words you know. Those holes in your heart? A deep aspect of the soul speaks to you from those; you see a particular depth there in as well…you learn the language of how the heart knows its own pieces; a human heart you share with every one; you speak the words of healing that holds the heart and its pieces. These help so many. They help me too. Thanks so much.

        Liked by 3 people

      2. Wow. This is how God answers prayers. Right hereā€”before my eyes. Thank you.

        I started this blog writing about my experience growing up (Sideways) in an emotionally abusive home. (a collection of poems called From Your Ashes I Arise) Devastating. The effects last well into adulthoodā€”which Iā€™m now coming to terms with. Denial/acceptance.

        So now, ā€œgrowing painsā€. The grieving/healing process collection. Healing isnā€™t so easyā€”at least not for meā€”itā€™s hard work. Itā€™s a process. And some days are really toughā€”like the one I was having today. But then wonderful things happen out of the blue to remind usā€”we arenā€™t alone, which is a good thing cause infinity is huge! :). Humor helps. So what comes next? I donā€™t know. Something wonderful. Stay tuned…

        Liked by 2 people

      1. I’m shocked the comment went through…I typed it, not believing so much that it would get through; probably my optimism, and attempts have made it… or did you see the comment in your spam folder?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Nopeā€”itā€™s right here just waiting. Optimism prevails! Thank you again for keeping me in good company. I always enjoy our dialogues. Looking at your questionsā€”I have lots of thoughts on death…

        Like

      3. I surprised, for whatever reason, the comment finally showed up…thanks for your encouraging words… you have too many thoughts on death, it seems you could write a big book about it

        Liked by 1 person

      4. You are welcome. I could write a book, but so many good ones have already been written. Iā€™m reading Danteā€™s Devine Comedy right now…so beautifully written.

        Like

      5. enjoy the comedy book…if you believe you could write a book, then you could still write the best one people are waiting for, even though you said: “but so many good ones have already been written”

        Like

      6. Always your words encourage. Thank you dear friend for being here. Are people really waiting for a book on death?? šŸ™šŸ»šŸ™šŸ»šŸ™šŸ»

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      7. thanks; you’re welcome…and no, not a book on death, but a book that gives clarity about life after death… my question was regarding thoughts about life after death

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      8. Mmmm…life and death seem to be so close…Iā€™ll have to contemplate this some more. Thank you for the inspiration šŸ™šŸ»

        Like

  21. Babe you are a warrior, and ojnof the loveliest people (Iā€™ve never actually met, but still). You really are a shining star, so happy we stumbled paths. I hope one day you will see this as a blessing . I know at least for me, looking back on the past Iā€™m thankful that now I know what real love does *not* look like. I know one day I will find someone to love me, but I donā€™t waste time on toxic love like I used to, and Iā€™ve started the best romance of my life – with none other than myself šŸ˜‚ā¤ļø. Dating me is awesome haha. Miss you!

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    1. Lovely! To love ourselves first is the best gift we can give to another! Yes, this is so much of what Iā€™m learning. Not looking to outside love for validationā€”that isnā€™t love. Itā€™s inside. Iā€™m glad youā€™ve realized this nowā€”and not so late in life like me! šŸ¤Ŗ. But itā€™s ok. Better late than never. Iā€™m grateful for every experience. Yes, absolutely I see it as a blessing. You are a blessing!
      You are a shining star and one of the loveliest people Iā€™ve never met too! Teehee. And this is how I know God loves usšŸ’Ÿ. Thank you for missing me and visiting. Iā€™ve missed you as wellā€”but I always think of you and know you are out there sharing your beautiful soul with the worldā€”and that makes me smile. šŸ„°

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  22. Dear Nina,

    Words will never be enough to express my deepest appreciation, respect, admiration, and love for you. YOU ARE LOVE personified.

    I embrace you in my heart. And I say thank you ….. for teaching me even more about love.

    I see that you have decided to love yourself first ….. and as you continue to live and breathe love, love will come your way ….. just start by looking at the mirror. Look at LOVE. YOU.

    ā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļø

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    1. I am speechless and smiling. Thank you for these kind wordsā€”they are enough…and now Iā€™m all teary-eyed.

      Yes, love yourself firstā€”and then itā€™s easier to love your neighbor, or spouse…

      Thank you, YBP. Is this your name?

      Itā€™s lovely to connect with you. It IS all about LOVE! And hopefully as we humans grow and matureā€”we will continue to teach one another to live in love.šŸ™šŸ»šŸ˜ŠšŸ’ž

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      1. Aww …. I feel your love and sweetest appreciation …… thanks so much in love! ā¤ļø And by the way, please feel free to call me by my nickname: Yeka. šŸ˜ŠšŸ’•šŸ’•šŸ’•

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Iā€™m going to write a poem for you:
        ā€œHe rides
        The
        Red horse…ā€
        Thank you as always, Mr. what-ever-your-name-is for the chuckles. Iā€™ve missed you visiting my blogšŸ™šŸ»

        Liked by 2 people

    1. Iā€™m sorry itā€™s relatable! Ha! Thank you, I feel the sincerity. And the anger…when anger finally passes…you write a totally different story! Please keep reading and commenting…it encourages production…and I am feeling encouraged. šŸ™šŸ»

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  26. Nina, I need to read more of your words, for now Iā€™m relatively new to your blog. Your words are very touching and often so familiar. From the bottom of my heart I wish you strength, weakness if needed, and certainly a lot of happiness. All the best to you and Iā€™m looking forward to read more from your end!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Oh thank you so much for your kind words and well wishes. Yes, so many of us have similar storiesā€”we are not alone in our struggles. We could All do with more happiness, indeed!
      I too wish you all the best and I also look forward to reading more of your journey! šŸ™šŸ»

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