And From Your Ashes I Arise Ch 1

“I form the light and create darkness: I make peace and create evil…”

Isaiah 45:7

For my mother who pushed me to the edge. My father who said, “Fly!”
And my beloved who helped me open my wings.

Chapter 1 Part 1

First

They offered her freedom

From the hell of her own making.

Then they gave her knowledge

Of good and evil…

July 16, 2015

Though the path be lonely
Follow your heart.

Though the path be dark
There is light in your heart.

“Look, Dear!” Mother cried. “It says right here that Jesus died for our sins!
Isn’t that wonderful!”
“Mommy? What is a sin?”
“Well a sin is all the bad things you are going to do when you grow up, Dear!”
(But Mommy I’m a good girl. Daddy tells me so.)

If ever there was a kid
who needed therapy——
“Get in the car.” (Slam door shut)
I was that kid.

Elementary school counselor
needed parent’s permission.
I was hopeful.

After about a half-hour of Dad
driving in silence
Mom spoke up.

“Don’t you EVER go to anyone about your problems at home.
Do you understand?
You come talk to ME!”

“Yes, Mother. I understand.”

(No Mommy I don’t understand. I need help but you are yelling at me and it scares me. He is not just anyone—he is the school counselor and he helps families.)

And that
was the first time I learned
to bold-face-look-you-in-the-eye-and-lie.

Thank you Mr. Elementary School Counselor
but I won’t be needing your help now
we’ve got it all worked out now
and we are all just fine now
so I will see you around
goodbye.

Part 2

GO TO HELL!

Daddy?
Where is hell and why does Mommy tell you to go there?
Don’t cry Daddy!
I’ll go to hell with you!

She must have realized
After the fact
That to send her little girl
Out
Into the front yard
To kneel
Bare-skinned
On the gravel
Wasn’t such a good idea.
What would the neighbors say?

GO TO YOUR ROOM!

I’m sorry, Mommy!

Sorry isn’t good enough!

SLAM!

She wanted me to experience the pain of separation from Jesus.

I wonder
If She
Also
Cried herself
Exhausted
Onto her own bed
Behind her own closed door.

Did she also feel the pain of separation?

Part 3

April 20, 2017

Do you know how they break a horse’s spirit?
This is what I am going to do to you.

You are like a shiny apple on the outside
But you are rotten to the core.

You can’t dance. Your legs are too short.

You sing flat. No you can’t learn piano.

It’s too difficult for you.

Turn that off! Yoga is of the devil.

What are you crazy? I never said that!
Oh that’s real nice you must be crazy or sick in the head or something I can’t believe you…

Look, dear I got you a present. What you don’t like it? Then give it back!

You’re NOT going because I SAID so!

What book are you reading, Dear? Oh I can’t believe you! How could you read that filth! You must be sick in the head. You get rid of that book right now and you read your Bible!

Forget about college, Jesus is coming back soon.

You are going to grow up to be a whore just like your sister!

Sorry isn’t good enough!

Oh what would Jesus think about you? He would be disappointed in you too.

Forget about science. Science is of the devil!

No man will ever love you.

What are you crazy or something? You must be sick in the head. You need help.
I never said that. You are a liar!

You think it’s so easy out there? You think you are so worldly?

You are going to come crawling back home to ME begging for forgiveness.

You can’t make it on your own without me.

You’re getting married? Well you really pulled the wool over his eyes didn’t you.

Accept Jesus Christ as the lord of your life right now!

…oh that’s real nice blame me for all your troubles. Poor old mother. I’m so terrible. How could you. You’re too sensitive. You must be crazy or sick in the head or something I never said that…

Didn’t you know I used reverse psychology on you?
I wanted you to prove me wrong.
You disappoint me.
Go away from me I don’t ever want to see you again.
I wash my hands of you.

SLAM!

July 28, 2016

Looking back in disgust
I couldn’t trust
But I must
Move forward
Toward
A new way of living
Forgiving
I fucked up
Time to grow up
Show up.

Heart full of remorse
I set my course
On the fast track to hell
A road I knew so well.

You and I had karma to burn
Hard lessons to learn
Now you take your turn
Play the victim
The abuser
The accursed
The accuser
Delusion
Reality
It’s all the same to me.

I was feeling dejected
Unprotected
Rejected
My own mother
Abused me
Psychologically confused me

What are you crazy?
I wanted you to prove me wrong
How else could I teach you to be strong?

Inside
I died
Tried to hide
I lied
I cried
My heart
Broken
Wide
Open

Part 4

July 25, 2015

Fell from grace
Into your arms
Didn’t know love
Could hit so hard.

But I always pull myself
Back together again
Twist the throttle
Find the line
Make the turn
Make amends.

One life’s too short
For this love affair
Let’s ride together
I’ll meet you there
On the back of your bike
Legs wrapped around
Holding on so tight
As we leave the ground…

Aug 23, 2015

Depression.
I don’t look so good these days
Stress is taking a toll
Haven’t felt so well.
Where is my guardian angel?

I want to leave this place
Behind me
But I don’t know which way to go.

And then I hear my guardian angel quietly whisper

Though the path be painful
Though the path be dark
Always follow the path of your heart…

Sept 3, 2015

My marriage is eroding along with my self-confidence
And I am asking
This is what I came back for?

I wish I could say: 

To my loving husband whose strength and support helped see me through this difficult        passage.  Who encouraged me right from the start to always express my authentic nature and      never stop believing in the power of true love...

I cannot.

With scorn and derision he says, “I am sorry your parents didn’t blah blah blah…”

It cuts.
Deep.

April 21, 2017

Forgive me Mother for I have sinned.
Let not your Son’s death be in vain…

…when Mary looked up into His eyes and saw only love-
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

She must have cried bittersweet tears for us all.
For in that moment she must have understood-
“Where are your accusers?”

That what she was about to lose
The whole world would gain…

On my knees
Hiding in the shadow of the cross
I long to see your light.
So I burn down the cross
And from your ashes
I arise.
Luminous.

Part 5
April 21, 2017

Self-Realization

When the little girl realized
She never truly grew up-
Sideways
But not up-
She knew there was much work to do.
So she gathered up
All her childhood-broken-dreams
And set out to discover
Just how strong was her backbone.

“What happens next?” He asked.

Chapter 2


Author: NZain

@ukiezhinka

36 thoughts on “And From Your Ashes I Arise Ch 1”

  1. Awesome… thanks for being brave and persevering in sharing your heart and soul. May our Lord and Savior continue to keep you in His loving arms, protecting, blessing and loving you, your husband and all of your Ohana.

    Mahalo & God bless
    ~The Ho Ohana~

    Liked by 5 people

    Reply

    1. Hi Ho Ohana!

      Thank you for the beautiful image, “in His loving arms”. I do feel blessed. Every day! And I am grateful to have your support. Thank you for helping me build this site.

      I know there are others who are brave, and perhaps just need a bit of encouragement. What seemed so scary to me in the beginning is now exciting! (Like taking those first baby steps into the ocean). So I hope it is for anyone who is ready to heal their own broken heart.

      Mahalo nui loa for praying for my mother. I appreciate it. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

    1. Thank you Diane for the kind words—your support and welcoming kitchen are much appreciated!
      I think of all the brave and innocent children out there, who right now, live (silently) under the threat of the next attack—who may be too afraid to speak up—for fear of exposing (and perhaps losing) their abuser. Like myself, I just wanted my mother’s love. My heart goes out to each one. And so, I keep writing. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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  3. Heart-breaking. Courageous.
    There are 2 truths–theirs and the real truth (ours). Theirs is the one everyone else sees, the pretend family. The happy faces in photos. Ours doesn’t come out until we are ready to fight. We have an army (our inner child at various points of the abuse). I believe this gives us the strength.
    Our sword: the pen.
    Keep writing!

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

    1. Thank you for the encouraging words, Piroska. I appreciate the support! And what you say is so true. I don’t know if people truly understand (I know I didn’t until about a week ago) just how strong and resilient survivors of abuse are; or our capacity to love deeply and fiercely. Yes! Keep writing! 🙂

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  4. This is so powerful and touching! Not easy at all to make such a statement, glad you decided to stand up and to find your own way 👍😊
    I won’t really comment about my point of view about that kind of practicing “religion” I believe I made my point in my posts
    I didn’t know why the dates were random not chronological so I thought to ask you 🙂
    I will certainly continue the story and I salute your struggle and bravery ❤️

    Liked by 4 people

    Reply

    1. Thank you for reading. Hope future posts make more sense.
      Religion is a tough one- for so many reasons. On the one hand- I do miss the “rose colored stained glass windows” that I recall in my early youth. But those were shattered along with the illusion—then came the harsh reality. This was a cult-I had to get out-with or without my mother! (sadly-without)

      But I still love the stories-especially Mary, Jesus and the stone. Even still today-I’m always finding heart shaped stones for my garden 🙂

      And thanks for asking about the dates. I wrote over a period of several years-as things came to me—all these jumbled up thoughts in my head! As I started putting what I call “my book” together—it was simply a matter of flow of ideas and the best way to express my journey. But it was important to me to keep the dates and remember where I was at the time of writing.

      And now-onto a new story! Yes! Cheers and salutations to ALL of us brave souls who struggle and “carve out” a beautiful reality! 😊 here’s to our future!

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

      1. We can always keep what we want, what we long for and feel…anything at all without any exceptions! At least my way of thinking, I take what my brain and heart accept
        I get the dates story now, yes I like to understand I felt there are random thoughts put together, so now I know. Thank you for clarifying 😊
        Salute to everyone that is making this ugly world a better place because they love,respect, care truly without hypocrisy and without prejudice!
        Wish you always the best of luck ❤️

        Liked by 2 people

  5. More people need to be reading this. Everything that is here reminds me of a relationship I had in the past- one for which I bore the scars years after it all ended. You have been through so much, and grown up sideways. It still seems somehow so beautiful. Thank you for writing this.

    Please don’t ever stop writing my friend.

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

    1. Thank you for saying so, Alexander. This encourages me 🙂 and get me all teary-eyed…
      Thank you for sharing your story here. I appreciate input and insights-as I told our friend-adds depth to the story. This could be anyone’s story. And at the same time-not everyone is interested in reading it—and that’s ok too—although I would love it if the whole read it and everyone just stopped throwing rocks at each other.

      I’m glad you think so-that more people need to read it. By all means! And I’m glad you see the beauty in it.
      🙂 NZ

      PS. Ya know, one day I’m going to grow old and die and I’ll have choice but to stop writing-but until then-we’ll see what comes 🙏🏻

      Thank you for taking the time to read this from the beginning; and thank you for writing.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

      2. That is very kind of you, thank you. I would be honored to have you do a feature.
        Well then, I’d better get crackin’ and get to writing! Thank you for the encouragement—and I hope for you all the best of success in your writing journey
        🙂

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Violet thanks for reading and commenting. Religion is a tough one-so personal. I stopped fighting her years ago-and she stopped communicating with me completely. And I came to understand something so deep within myself…so I keep writing 🙂

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  7. There is so much that I want to write but then I wish I knew where to begin. This rocked me! It really did. And like everyone has already mention you are tremendously brave 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

    1. Oh gosh thank you so much for reading and for your kind words. I hope this inspire others to see they don’t have to suffer in silence. What was done is done-it’s past—but it doesn’t have to destroy the future. Healing is possible. I hope. 🙏🏻

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  11. It plunges. It twists. It burns. I am bleeding…

    and then I am healed.

    I know a similar story.

    And Now I have more courage.

    It’s ok.

    I can say that.

    So I will.

    So much love to you for the grace you gave me.

    Peace

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  13. indeed
    sometimes we must unpack the pockets full of rocks and stones that have weighed us down

    and once that is done, we burn the clothes and make new ones

    Liked by 2 people

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  14. Thank you for putting yourself out there in such a raw way. Each line I read made me want to come hug you. I come from a different kind of abuse, not religious at all, in my mind more hell. The first time someone ask me about going to hell, I told them I was not afraid of hell for I had lived it here on earth. I had a tough heart, made that way through the mental and physical abuse as a child. Through reading the bible I learned about a love that was non conditional and free, I did not have to do anything to earn it. Little by little and this still goes on, I have gained freedom from the wounds inflicted on me and now I only have scars that I use as a platform to help others. I applaud you for your courage, for your written words that made me shutter inside for you, and I have only read chapter 1. I will be back to read more. I like your style of writing even though it is different from mine but yours is easy to follow. You write with intenseness which I have been told I am that way so I am drawn to it.

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